Elisabeth

Looking Back...

2007-10-24T11:17:00.001-07:00

I've just spent the last hour or so reading over my past posts. I chose to look at October 2005 posts and also what I was doing one year ago. After reading a few entries, I thought "Wow, to be young and foolish." That was 2 years ago, not 20 years, but really, I feel like I've changed so much. Maybe I haven't, but I still think that girl 2 years ago is an idiot. Hindsight is 20/20, right?

In my post on September 27, 2006, I wrote about my future self in September 2007. I felt good things were in store for me and that I'd be in a happy place around this time. Now that was a damn smart girl 1 year ago - she was certainly right! I am developing a new position within my division at work and traveling along a new career path, one that will take me places. I have said goodbye to so many boys and men that I let trail along with me for so long... and then one day, I put my foot down and said "Enough!" It was the day I met the man of my dreams - seriously. I am truly in love and it really makes the world feel like a hopeful, happy place.

But as I read more and more posts, this feeling of hope that comes with a new relationship is a familiar reoccurance in my life. That's when I get a little anxious and concerned about the bursting of my bubble. What makes this different from any of the others? Why do I continue to delude myself into believing I have found love? What is wrong with me?

Then I glance over at my caller ID as my phone rings, and I see him calling me, and my heart beats a little faster, and the ends of my mouth curl upward, and I stifle a nervous giggle as I say 'Hello?' to the man I see in my future for a very, very long time.

My Fairy Tale...

2007-10-17T14:17:00.000-07:00

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you might have read the first two parts of my fairy tale. You see, after each relationship I have, if it strikes me as important, I write about it in the form of a fairy tale. In case it's not clear, I am the princess. Here, for the first time online, is Part III of this ever growing epic story....

Part III

The beautiful Princess, despite the heartbreak she had suffered from the canoeist, managed to keep afloat on the great big Sea of Dreams. Some days, it was hard to keep harsh winds from taking control of her sails. She struggled to maintain her power as the captain of her little sailboat. She had to tug at the cranks and ropes, fighting to keep her sailboat aimed in the right direction, away from the rocky shoreline.

Most days, she was grateful to be floating effortlessly over the lulling waves of the sea. She had the wonderful companionship of her friends and spent many evenings lounging on the edge of her boat, her feet dangling in the water, watching the sun melt into the sea. She felt privileged to be surrounded by her friends, the beautiful sea, and the warmth of the glowing golden sun. The challenge of being a successful captain and keeping her sailboat in shipshape was a huge responsibility in the princess’s small world, but a responsibility she took on with much pride and conviction.

On some days, the roughest days at sea, the princess had to remind herself of the purpose of her journey because she felt strong urges to give up on her quest. On one of these particularly harsh days, with the sun beating down and the waves chopping fiercely, the princess was about to let go of everything and let the wind take full control of her sails, when she saw a ship in the distance. At first the ship looked small and meek way out on the horizon, but it quickly grew larger and larger as it stealthily approached the princess’s sailboat.

The princess started to jump and frantically waved her arms overhead trying to warn the ship’s controller of her presence, fearing the two vessels would collide and her beloved sailboat would be damaged. To the relief of the princess, the ship made an abrupt stop just before crashing into the sailboat. As she recovered from the panic she felt, a ladder made of rope dropped down one side of the ship and a loud voice boomed from the ship’s deck “All aboard!”

The princess, confused at this bold invitation to board the ship, stood dumbfounded on what now seemed like her very small and inadequate sailboat, and stared up at the high looming wall of the ship. She slowly inched her way over to the ladder and peered up to see the ladder’s final destination but the ladder disappeared into a newly formed, dense fog and it was impossible to see the top. She grabbed hold of the ladder, placed one foot on the lowest rung, took a deep breath, and began to climb. After climbing fifty-two rungs, the princess reached the top, and swung one leg over the ship’s railing.

After heaving her body over the railing and smoothing down her dress, she looked up, startled to see a small man standing directly in front of her. He was dressed head to toe in purple velvet with a crown perched on his head and his hands on his hips. He demanded to know who she was and her purpose on the Sea of Dreams. Because he was a prince from a far away land, he was pleased to learn she was a princess on a quest. He clapped his hands three times and announced loudly, to no one in particular, that an extravagant party would be held in honor of the princess, with food and drinks, music and dancing.

From every nook and cranny on the ship, all the prince’s servants suddenly appeared. They whirled about frantically decorating the ship, clearing the bow for dancing, and setting up a large banquet table filled with more food than the princess had seen in a long time. Sparkling lights dangled from every mast and sail, meats, cheeses, fruits, and vases of wine adorned the banquet table, and the strings and woodwinds of the orchestra sent beautiful music floating up toward the clear, still sky.

The prince offered his hand to the princess and led her to the table where they sat together eating, drinking, talking, and laughing. The prince was enamored with all the princess had to say and he had a sparkle in his eye that matched the diamonds in his crown. When they had their fill of decadent food and drink, the prince pushed out his chair and again offered his hand to the princess leading her out to the dance floor. The princess laughed and sang as the prince twirled her about the dance floor. She couldn’t remember the last time she had this much fun and feeling the prince’s arms hold her gently and spin her about put a smile on her face and a warmth in her heart. They danced and held each other until the sun melted into the sea on one side of the ship and began to rise again on the other side.

The prince told her promises of the beautiful, rich life they could have on the ship together, and how he would shower her with luxuries and endless enjoyment. The princess began to wonder and dream about this possibility. But all the delicious food and drinks, and all the dancing, had taken a toll on the princess and her eyelids began to feel heavy with sleep. She asked the prince for a moment to rest, maybe a place to sit and relax her tired body. The prince directed her to a small cabin with an overstuffed mattress, fluffy pillows, and a soft, thick blanket. She lay down, gratefully rested her head on the pillows, and sighed with comfort.

When she awoke, the princess found herself shivering, curled up with just a blanket, back on the deck of her very own sailboat. She sat straight up and frantically looked around to see where the prince had gone. Finally, she glanced up only to see the ship growing smaller and smaller in the distance and the outline of the little man waving to her from the stern. The princess hung her head in disappointment and, as she looked down, she noticed a scroll tied with a red satin ribbon next to her hand. She carefully unrolled the scroll, and felt a tear trickle down her cheek as she read:

Princess, I grew bored of our time together. I began to think about what you had told me, how you are a princess of a small, humble land, and I don’t think we should continue traveling together. I am off to make grand accomplishments and continue my luxurious life. Goodbye.

The princess, humiliated and alone, curled herself back into the blanket and laid her head on the cold, hard deck. She couldn’t find the energy to move her body from that awkward, uncomfortable position. Instead she heaved heavy sighs and sobbed dramatically until the tears dripping from her face made small pools on the deck around her head. What could she have done to be more interesting to the prince? Why had she needed to rest when the prince surely would have preferred her to continue the celebration? What could she have done differently to make the prince continue to be enamored with her?

After several moments of allowing these thoughts to swirl in her head, the princess pushed the blanket off her body, as it had grown itchy and damp in the humid salty air. She tossed it off her sailboat and watched the lapping waves carry it away. She used the mast of her sturdy sailboat to heave her body upright and suddenly her head began to clear. She felt light on her feet. The food and drink had clouded her mind and polluted her body. As she reminisced about her time on the ship, she couldn’t remember one nice thing about the little prince. The celebration, although fun and exciting, distracted her from really hearing what the prince was saying to her.

The princess laughed as she pictured herself under the blanket, losing tears over the small man and his ship. It was a grand party, one that she won’t soon forget and was honored to have been invited, and it was easy to imagine herself the pretty princess on that massive, luxurious ship. However, the princess cannot change the history of her land and what makes her the princess she is today. She was not ashamed of her past, so why would she want to change anything to impress that silly prince?

The sun was still shining brightly in the sky, sparkling just as brightly as the prince’s crown. The princess chuckled and silently scorned herself for allowing the glitz and glitter of the prince’s ship to alter her vision and forget the ultimate goal of her quest. The princess began to go about her business of caring for her ship and checking her sails. She felt the cold shame of the prince’s disapproval begin to melt away with each rope she pulled and seeing her large white sails billow out from the wind made her beam with pride.

Ego Boost

2007-09-12T15:15:00.001-07:00

The easiest way to get an ego boost is to ask five of your closest friends to briefly describe your personality. I know this, because I did just that. Not on purpose. Well, I guess it was on purpose. It was meant to be research for a paper I had to write about myself for one of my psychology classes - "What are 3 of your personality characteristics and what do you believe are the reasons behind these characteristics?"

I sat and stared at a blank computer screen for about 15 minutes. What came to mind? Well, I'm anal retentive, defensive, have a low self esteem, highly critical of myself, sometimes moody, indecisive, blah blah blah. Nothing but negativity. What's a girl to do?

Just short of curling up in my security blanket and crying myself to sleep, I decided to do what an indecisive person does best - ask someone else. So I sent this text message to five of my closest friends:

"What would you say are some of my personality characteristics? It's for a paper I'm writing for Psych class."

Their responses:

Dave (boyfriend): outgoing and thoughtful! oh yeah, and easy too!

Thanks, honey.

Amanda: oh my gosh... where to start?! :-) organized, efficient, thoughtful in your words and actions, understanding, good hair ;-)

Well, that's because I haven't used a crimper since 1987.

Rebecca: generous, nurturing, loving, motivated, and hopefully understanding when ur friend tells you she slept with her ex-boyfriend

Hold that thought - I'll call you when I'm done writing my paper.

Jaime: fun, caring, understanding, outgoing, spontanious... just to name a few ;).

And my best friend, April: sympathetic, loving, giving, passionate, understanding, accepting, determined, focused. is that enough or do you need more? it's hard for me to just describe you in one word descriptions! :)

Holy cow... maybe I should make "highly emotional" a main topic of the paper because I was in tears after reading their responses.

Chi Town

2007-08-07T09:20:00.000-07:00

I am in Chicago at a conference for work. I don't mind sight seeing by myself or even going to dinner and out for a drink or two in a strange town. However, it has been raining like crazy here! Not only does that make it hard to be a tourist-on-foot, but no one in town wants to brave the storms and have a night out, so they stay in. Which makes for little social contact for me. I am going to see "Wicked" tonite and then maybe I'll be brave enough to stop by a hot new club or restaurant. I know there is so much to see and do here... I refuse to sit in my hotel room. Although, a room at the Hilton with a view of Grant Park and Lake Michigan ain't half bad.

Psuck-o-logy

2007-08-03T12:13:00.000-07:00

I am 2 classes deep into my Master of Science in Psychology program. I took 4 classes in the MBA program and dropped it. The business world is so....oh, I don't know.... business-y. Blah. So I switched programs and here I am - a graduate student in psychology. Being a journalism major, this is a much better fit for me. I can read and study people, and then write about it. A lot. Right now we are working on family genograms, which is basically a family tree but more detailed. Hey... I didn't sign up for this stuff to study my OWN psycho-ness. Isn't it everyone else in the world that has the problems? Wrong-o. I know my life and family are everything but perfect, but I have been happily making my way through this world by IGNORING that fact and floating along on my happy cloud eating cupcakes. But now my professor has us studying our family history and worse yet - our own development. EEK! Now I have to face myself and all my problems - luckily from a psychologist's point of view so it doesn't seem so personal.

Like I said before, the crazy stays in my head, folks. From the outside, they all think I'm sane.

Nice to Meet You

2007-07-19T17:09:00.000-07:00

Well holy cow. It's been ages. Let me tell you what's been going on... hold on, let me crack my knuckles and stretch my palms... here goes.

1) It's been 10 beautiful months in my condo in downtown Phoenix. It is so great being a homeowner. And living alone...

2) Well, almost alone. My 11 month old puppy and her best friend, the cat Nea, take up a lot of space, damn couch hogs.

3) Don't have the boyfriend anymore but it's for the best because I've fallen head over heals for a man that I will one day make my husband. He even gets named in this entry - no nickname for him *gasp*!!! Dave and I have been dating since Memorial Day weekend. We met in Rocky Point, so in about a year, please plan for a destination wedding in Mexico. Wow - the crazy stays in my head, promise. Not a word of this gets spoken aloud.

4) I am still working at the University and pretty much just get along by tolerating my job. I have an office and stare out a window all day. How bad can it be, right?

I really need to get my creative juices flowing again. I have missed the blogging world.

The Naming Game

2006-11-29T09:45:00.000-08:00

When I go see Justin Timberlake in January, I’ll go to the Jobing.Com Arena, formerly known as Glendale Arena. They had to change the name, not only for business and advertising sake, but heaven forbid a venue be simply named after the city in which it is located.

If I want to see the Cardinals lose a game or two, I’ll head on over to the University of Phoenix Stadium, ironically named after a university when the Cardinals just fought their way out of ASU’s Sun Devil Stadium, where they had been playing for years. Do you feel better now, Cardinals Organization? You’ll agree to anything for the right price, regardless the impression it makes, right?

Oh, and let’s not forget about Dodge Theater, U.S. Airways Center, or the Alltel Ice Den. The only venues that seem to stick to some level of naming integrity are the Mesa Amphitheatre and the Orpheum Theatre. Either I know exactly where it is located (MESA! An actual city!) or it’s fun to say and sounds interesting (Orpheum. What exactly is Orpheum? Plural of the Greek god Orpheus? Sure, why not.).

I’m embarrassed enough to be an Arizonan living with these god-awful arena and theater names. But it gets even worse in California – Staples Center, Honda Center, Save Mart Center, iPayOne Center, Qualcomm Stadium, or Petco Park. Am I going to see an event or am I shopping? I’m confused.

What if the Spearmint Rhino Gentleman’s Club was the highest bidder in the naming of a venue? “Yes, we are going to see the Nutcracker at the Spearmint Rhino Theatre. No, no… it’s the PG version.”

I just have to complain a moment, because we are bombarded with advertising at every turn of our head, click of the mouse, and tuning of the radio. Can’t we just go in peace to a ballgame or the ballet without being a walking billboard for a cellular company or a car manufacturer when we tell people where we are going for the evening? Maybe I’m just annoyed because I think listeners should be excited or appalled when I say I am going to SEE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, not be confused or miffed when they ask where he is performing and I have to say “Jobing.Com Arena.”

Now, I’ll get off my soapbox. I have to go wash my face with this cleanser that is going to leave my face clean, clear, and resembling the suppleness of a ten-year-old girl, then enjoy a cup of hot tea that promises to boost my metabolism while fulfilling every nutritional need. I will sit back, relax, and remind myself how I will not be influenced by advertising, then switch on the T.V. and cry at a Hallmark commercial while thinking I need to get my mom the greatest present in the world this Christmas or I am horrible daughter.

Surreal

2006-11-27T13:04:00.000-08:00

I’m in a really weird zone right now. I’m floating somewhere between relief and resolve, teetering between serenity and sadness.

He called to say he was in the lobby of the building I work in. I hung up the phone and quickly opened my compact to check my hair and makeup. Skin – better than usual, hair – a little flat but no biggie. Why am I concerned about the way I look? I left him. I don’t want him back. Is it evil of me to want him to still want me a little? To want him to still find me attractive?

In the elevator, I pulled at my sweater so it lay just right on my hips at the bottom and showed just the slightest bit of cleavage at the top. He always had a thing for boobs. I tousled my hair a bit and checked my reflection in the elevator’s shiny walls. This will have to do, in 15 seconds the elevator door will open. Look confident, look breezy.

He stood waiting near the front door, looking uncomfortable in his own skin, as usual. He’s not the most handsome guy, but he carries himself well, although because I know him well, I know it’s an act. But he did look very nice in his dress slacks and tie.

“Hi.” He turned to face me at the sound of my voice. “Do you want to go into the bank to use their notary?” I asked.

“Sure, if this is where the bank is.”

I led him to the lobby’s bank and asked for the notary that I had just used a few days prior.

“Sorry, she’s out sick,” said the girl at the front desk.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said turning to him. “You came all the way down here and you can’t even get them notarized.”

“That’s okay.”

We sat down in the waiting room chairs and I flipped through each page pointing out the essentials, finishing with the post-it where I wrote down the mailing address. It seemed highly inappropriate that the post-it with the address was heart-shaped. It’s all I had at my desk.

“Once you sign everything and have it notarized, send it to this address.”

Before he left, I asked about mutual friends and friends from the past – Did you know that so and so is pregnant? Did you remember to wish so and so happy birthday? As he pushed open the door to leave, I fixed the back of his collar where his tie was beginning to show.

“Thanks.” He said and walked away. I’ll probably never see him again.

I just served my husband with divorce papers. Finally. After being separated for almost two years now, I have finally made the next step towards closure.

I am not happy, I am not sad. I just… am.

Howdy Stranger

2006-11-16T08:10:00.000-08:00

Today, I looked back at some of my posts from about a year ago and remember how creative I can be. Hmmm... maybe I'll find that creativity again. Sometimes, when a musician comes out with a song that seems so relatable, so down-to-earth, so normal, I find myself a little bit surprised. I think "What does this millionaire/celebrity know about every day life and regular hardships?" Their biggest problem of the day is wondering whether they should have their driver take them to Starbucks in the towncar or if they want to drive the convertible and risk having their picture taken by the paparazzi. I am curious to know what drives their creativity and enables them to write such touching music when they have such unrealistic problems and lives.

My point is this - not to compare myself to a celebrity or anything - but I feel like I have less hardships today than I did a year ago. Therefore, I have less motivation to write a touching, relatable blog entry. I do, however, have the actual time again to write and keep my 3 readers involved in my life! So after I get you up to speed on the "Life and Times of This American Girl," I'll go back to flexing my creative muscle.

I have been working REALLY hard for the past couple of months. And you know what? It paid off. I have been promoted to a liaison position. I work with corporations, firms, and other organizations to keep them informed of the classes we offer at our university that could benefit their employees, members, clients, etc. So, basically, in my other position as a counselor, I advised students. Now I go out and find the students. I'm not micromanaged anymore. I create my own goals and monthly plans. I get paid a whole heck of a lot more. So it's a win/win.

I love my new home. It's a condo in downtown Phoenix. It's the first time I've been able to design and create my own living space with my own tastes and preferences. No husband to tell me "nothing girly!" No roommate hanging terrible paintings leaving me to defend myself to my visitors with disclaimers such as "Pay no attention to the art on the wall." It's MY home and I finally don't have to share.

I'm growing to love my puppy. After the first two weeks, and breaking down into tears of frustration, I almost packed up little Piper and shipped her back to where she came from. Um, having a puppy is hard. But it's been a month now and we are getting into a routine that she has adapted very well to and, if I do say so myself, I have a very well behaved little dog.

And one last thing, the trickster is a goner. There is no one in my life worth mentioning. Oh wait. Remember the guy I wish I could have for my own but was moving away AND had a girlfriend? Well, let's just say this: he's now single, he's moving back to Arizona, oh and I can still feel last night's kiss lingering on my lips.

The only thing constant is change.

2006-09-29T13:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when I'm sitting at a stop light waiting for green, I think to myself, "I wonder what I will be doing a year from now." I'm pretty darn sure that last September 29, I had this very thought. And I probably shoved it to the back of my head because I was disappointed in the future I saw or thought seemed inevitable. Still renting, still single, still wondering what my place in life is supposed to be.

Here on September 29, 2006, I still have very much the same life as I did a year ago. But something is different. Not just physical things like the buying of a new home, but mentally, my mind is in a new place. I truly feel lucky to be who I am and where I am. I am content with being single and searching for my place in life. I know this can be a temporary state of mind. But today, when I wonder what life will be like on September 29, 2007, I smile and see good things in store.

Dating update - Still dating the Trickster. I like him a lot. I mean A LOT. But I also have a date with the Artist from San Diego next week. We are going to see Tom Petty. Then he goes back to San Diego, so what can come of this? I probably am doing this to appease my mother, who is worried I might like the Trickster too much and not offer the Artist a fair chance.

Job update - Still in the same job, but have been promoted to Team Lead. Waiting to interview for a new position next week for an even bigger promotion.

Home update - Nothing was ready for me yesterday on the final walk-through! Close of escrow has been postponed to October 10. Can't wait to share pictures.

BIGGEST UPDATE! I am getting a puppy. She is four weeks old so I haven't brought her home yet. Her name is Piper Jane and I could just eat her up she is so adorable.

Remember me?

2006-09-20T11:04:00.000-07:00

Holy freakin cow. What whirlwind my life has been recently. I found a condo - I will again be a city girl living in downtown Phoenix. I am very busy at work - a crazy busy working girl, something I've never really been, but what the hell... I'm always up for trying on a new hat. I've missed my blogging buddies and really need to take a moment to catch up. I know I've promised pics... that something I'm hoping to get to sometime today.

The Dating Update - what's it with the young 'uns? I am dating two 22 year olds. WEIRD. I know. One is the Trickster (Yeah, imagine that. He's young and he's a trickster.) The other, well, let's call him the Sweetie. He is oh so sugary sweet to me. I've never been treated like such the princess, it feels good. And the Artist who lives in San Diego is still in view... he comes out in a couple of weeks and we have two dates planned.

Okay, so this wasn't very creative or funny but I hate that I've gone a whole MONTH without posting.

Ready, Set, Go

2006-08-17T17:59:00.000-07:00

I'm still waiting on pictures from our crazy party bus night.

I'm still waiting to see where things are going with the Trickster.

But I'm not waiting on my money anymore! And today marks the start of my house hunt. I will soon be a homeowner!

It's Friday I'm in Love

2006-08-10T17:34:00.000-07:00

It's been one of those weeks when every day feels like Friday!

I had a great date on Sunday, so that may have been what set this week off at such a great pace.

Nothing too exciting on Monday but a little cleaning up after a crazy weekend party (then afterparty) at my house. Saturday was a great night of drunken party bus fun - pictures coming soon.

Then Tuesday, it's off to bed early because I have an appointment on Wednesday morning with who I like to call the Sanitation Savior, aka the plummer. He unclogged my shower drains for a measly $145. It's a good thing I'm about to be financially secure in a matter of days because my ex is finally buying me out of the house we co-own together. YES! No more debt for this little single American Girl.

Wednesday night was an event I've been looking forward to since I finagled free tickets a few weeks ago - Yellowcard! If you don't know who they are, look into them for sure! Mmmm... that violist is yummy.

Tonight is another date with the show-off, or who I referred to in the last post as the trickster. I get all giggly thinking about seeing him. Man oh man, you'd think I'd never had my heart broken before the way I get my hopes way too far up there!

Then tomorrow is the BIG DAY. Yes, I get to stare at Channing Tatum for 90 whole minutes. Deep breaths, focus, count to 10... must. not. lose. focus. Too late, he's consumed me.

Impressed

2006-08-07T17:33:00.000-07:00

I will quote "This Fish" when I say, "There is nothing sexier than know-how."

I met a trickster. And not the kind who is toying with my emotions. I mean the kind of guy that has a million tricks up his sleeve - tricks so good that I felt guilty for not having a bag of treats in my purse so I could toss him a reward after a job well done.

He took me golfing, at which he succeeded immensely, all the while performing Tiger Woods-like stunts using no more than a 5 iron and a golf ball, eliciting small applause and oohs & aahs from this little audience. I actually gasped and let out a little yelp when he ran up a tree only to launch himself into a back flip and land precisely on his own two feet. Oh and he drove the ball the farthest I've seen in real life - and I worked at a golf course for nearly 2 years. Wow. I'm not sorry to say that it made me a little giddy inside. And I'm not exactly sure why. There's just something about a man showing off for me.

In his last performance of the night, he cooked up some of the best tortilla soup I have ever had. After a gentle and sweet kiss goodbye, he has me ready for an encore.

Easily Pleased... or am I?

2006-08-01T11:54:00.000-07:00

I figured something out the other night. Between the over-the-phone singles survey and seeing Busta Rhymes rapping on television, with what looked like to me to be 5 carat diamonds bulging from each ear, I discovered that I am not too demanding in life or love.

I randomly answered the land line the very same night I had my revelation. I rarely answer this phone because no one I really care about has that number and most people I want to hear from will call the mobile phone first. But for some odd reason, maybe because watching “So You Think You Can Dance” puts me in a generous mood, I picked up.

“Hi there, this is Tia from {insert name of cheesy singles’ club here}. Do mind answering a few questions for me?”

“Oh, sure. Why the heck not?”

After drawn-out over-bubbly courtesy laugh, Tia said “Are you single?”

“Yes.” I said, oozing fake confidence, sending out the “I’m okay with this, but not really” vibe a little too strongly.

And after some general questions about age, employment, and personal interests, she got to the heart of the conversation.

“What type of man are you looking for?”

“Uh. Hmmm. Um.”

“Tall? Athletic?”

“Well…maybe. Sometimes.”

“What first attracts you to a man?”

“Well, that’s hard to say. I’ve been attracted to so many types of men. I guess there is definitely that initial first impression. But I can say that I have been immediately attracted to someone who isn’t exactly an 8 or 9 on the “looks” scale. I would have to say it’s a person’s overall confidence that I notice or the way he holds himself… I don’t know.”

“Do you have a type? Height preference? Hair color?”

“No. Nope. Nothing. I’m pretty open… I mean, I guess he has to be cute, you know.”

And with that, I pretty much left Tia questionless. Apparently, no one likes a vague single girl who doesn’t have a checklist of things she requires in a man. After I hung up, I thought, I should have quoted Carrie from Sex and the City – “I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.”

I don’t need a lot of money and am not partial to wearing ridiculously sized diamonds. (One carat will do just fine, thank you.) I don’t need a fast car or a giant sized family van. I don’t need a house that can shelter a small army – just enough space for a comfy bed to snuggle in.

I do need someone that is as addicted to me as I am to him. Is that so much to ask?

The Morning After the Storm

2006-07-26T11:00:00.000-07:00

The sunrise was beautiful this morning. I got to see it because I was up at 5:30 on my way to teach an aerobics class, a class that never happened because the gym was in lockdown. No lights, locked doors, and no electricity at the neighborhood L.A. Fitness because of an outrageous thunderstorm last night. It was great! Huge thunder claps, bright lightning that lit up the sky, and pouring rain - I had to sit out on the patio and watch... until the wind and an especially deep earth-shattering thunder clap ushered me back inside the safety that my house seemed to provide.

Until the lights went out.

Alone, in the dark, no television, no computer... what was a girl to do? Well, call the man of the moment, of course. My best friend wasn't answering her phone. And my other "turn-to" for chit chat was in a movie. Oh, and mom was working a late night shift at the nursing home. So I called the Artist. He is the latest in a series of many set-ups.

Set-up 1: Some co-workers tried to introduce me to a friend of theirs... I was a little unsure after the first meeting so they went with their second choice and now the two of them are dating. Guess I missed the boat on that one... or did I?

Set-up 2: My roadtrip date went well - no electricity or lightning bolts resembling those from last night but potential nonetheless. He is actually in town for the next couple of weeks and we are supposed to have dinner together. But I haven't heard from him yet. And my lack of concern just goes to show how enthusiastic I am about that relationship.

Set-up 3: One of my mom's best friends came to the 50th birthday party back in June... and was so "impressed" with me that she had the grand idea of re-introducing me to her son, someone that I knew during childhood. My only memories of him are that he wore glasses and he told his sister that he thought I was a brat. He is now almost 30 and is a successful artist. So, we went on a date. And had a great time. But he lives in San Diego. Another California man, dammit!

We've been chatting ever since our date - phone and email - and he's already asked me out on another date for when he comes back to Arizona in October. He was my knight-in-shining-armor last night and occupied my mind while the craziness of the storm swirled around me. My cell phone and the glow of my candles was all I had otherwise. So his voice was rather comforting.

Waking up at 5:15 a.m. for no reason isn't reason enough to take the sun out of my day, even if the sky is still scattered with clouds.

Command Me, Oh Wise One

2006-07-14T15:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it's nice to have other people make decisions for you. I'm in one of those moods again where I don't exactly know what I want to do with myself. I would be completely happy wrapping myself burrito-style into my blanket and zoning out to whatever romantic comedy happens to be playing for the 18th time on TBS (fingers crossed, please be Serendipity) only to wake up mid-morning on the couch wondering how I could have wasted another night away.

But I have a friend who won't let me do that. Apparently, I have a strict regiment to follow.

1. She has decided that I will go home after work, hit the gym, and then pack an overnight bag before heading to her house.

2. From there, we will see a movie and brush up on our DDR skills at a nearby theater.

3. In the morning, we will head to our favorite mani/pedi locale for some much needed nail upkeep and...

4. finally, take on the all-important responsibility of being the hottest, tannest poolside babes at her condo's community pool.

Well, what can I say besides "Yes m'am, I'm up for that task." It's so hard being me, it's a good thing I have someone to tell me how to do it.

Blah.

2006-07-07T17:22:00.000-07:00

Another day passes... and what's going on? The same freaking thing that happened a year ago. Just when I think something new is coming along or an exciting change is just around the corner, I realize I'm in the same exact place I've always been. Maybe for an instant, possibly a day, I'm up, flying high, or I might feel sluggishly low, but it's typically back to the same ol', same ol'.

A year ago today, I was dating a guy - Plan J. If you were reading my blog a year ago, his name might ring a bell. I wasn't super interested in him but he was a great distraction from the broken heart that resulted from Plan B. Plan J. now sits a few cubicles away from me and he and I chit chat on a regular basis. Weird, needless to say. But it's not odd that nothing ever amounted out of that relationship. And who do you think is asking me to hang out this weekend? It's like I'm re-living my life from a year ago.

I just interviewed for a team lead position on my team. I didn't get it. I haven't gotten a lot of jobs I have interviewed for lately. I sit here in the same position doing the same job that I was doing last year - very normal for some people. NOT normal for me.

I'm still alone. I'm still fighting with myself about my choices in life. I'm still wondering how my weekend is going to pan out. I'm still debating where I should live, what I should do, how to pay off my debt, who I should spend my time with, and most of all - am I happy with the person that I have become?

A Fairy Tale... Part 2

2006-06-27T13:06:00.000-07:00

Click here to read A Fairy Tale... Part 1

Although the princess experienced heartbreak and felt sad for a period of time after breaking free from the rafter, she held her head high and aimed her sailboat toward the sun. She eventually gathered quite a following, and while some of the time she sailed alone, most of the time she had a friend floating along with her.

There was Telly the Turtle. She was playful and funny, splashing with her flippers and beating her shell with sticks to create music to entertain the princess. Many times, Telly and the princess would dance and laugh together late into the night.

There was also Sassy the Seal. Sassy was sleek and stylish, and very, very wise. Sassy was a good friend for the princess to talk with about all the troubles there were out at sea, as well as all the wonderful things she experienced. Sassy helped guide the princess, even at times when the sea tossed the sailboat roughly in its waves.

Clinging to the side of the sailboat was Stella the Starfish. She laughed at and listened to all that happened on and around the princess’s vessel. She was quick to mend cracks before they became holes and happily bathed in the sun with the princess.

And let’s not forget about Betsy the Butterfly. She fluttered near the sailboat, frequently touching down gently on the tip of the sail or on the princess’s shoulder. She floated along with the boat, beautiful and elegant, a constant companion for the princess. She just had to look up in the sky and there Betsy would be, waving her wings and winking at the princess.

The princess enjoyed her friends immensely.

One sunny, unsuspecting day, the princess saw a canoe traveling along in the distance. The princess steered clear, having learned her lesson about strange sailors. She turned her sails and aimed her sailboat in the opposite direction. But the canoe turned its course to follow her. She looked back and the canoeist waved while yelling out a friendly hello. The princess slowed down a bit, she was going to make sure he wasn’t in any trouble, but that was it! Then she would be on her way again. The canoeist gained on her and they chatted a bit. He wasn’t in any trouble at all, he just wanted to visit with the princess. The princess smiled cordially and eventually sent him on his way. She was not going to let another stranger float near her sailboat for a long period of time again.

The next day, the canoeist found her again and this time he came bearing gifts. He brought fish and bread to share with the princess. The two dined together and the princess reluctantly enjoyed his company. But, as the sun sank into the sea in the distant horizon, the princess requested that the canoeist untie his canoe and be gone again. The princess loved her strong, secure boat, and wasn’t willing to share it with a stranger so soon after being abandoned by a previous rafter.

On the third day he came floating in her direction, waving and smiling. The princess was surprised to feel joy at the sight of the canoeist approaching her. He, again, came with a present for the princess – a beautiful strand of pearls. The princess’s heart filled with love as she bowed her head for the canoeist to tie the pearls around her neck. This canoeist seemed to be different from the rafter who had abandoned her. He was genuine and caring. He held her hand and said flattering words to the princess. The princess and the canoeist shared many of their thoughts and feelings with each other and decided that they should tie their vessels together. The princess felt the courage that had been drained from her by the rafter, slowly return to her while she was in the presence of the canoeist.

The princess was happy to have a new vessel tied to her sailboat and reveled in the constant companionship of the canoeist. Telly clapped her fins together and made music for them to dance to and Stella watched from her perch on the bow. Sassy swam by frequently for afternoon talks, but Betsy didn’t touch down to the sailboat as often as before, a little timid around the canoe.

Many days and nights passed, but one night the stars didn’t sparkle and shine as they usually did. Dark gloomy storm clouds threatened the princess and her traveling friends with big wet rain drops and deep rumbling thunder claps. Wind began to wail and the sailboat and the canoe were tossed fiercely around on the choppy waves. As the storm grew wilder, lightning struck down too close to the vessels and frightened the princess. Crawling carefully to the edge of her sailboat, the princess checked to make sure the canoe was still tightly secured to her sailboat. To her disappointment, the fastenings were becoming loosened by the dreadful storm. She searched frantically for the canoeist and found him sitting on the far end of his canoe, too far for the princess to reach. She called out to him, but the shrieking wind was far louder than her voice could be raised. He looked at her briefly but didn’t seem to notice the panic in her eyes. She reached out her arms to him, calling to him, but the ropes tying the two together continued to loosen. Why wasn’t he helping her tighten the knots? Why was he sitting so far from her and refusing to acknowledge her cries for help? Everything fastening them together came undone. The princess fell to her knees and sobbed as the canoeist drifted further and further away, the storm swallowing him up into the darkness.

The princess never saw the canoeist again. He was gone in an instant and her pain was sharp and deep. The reality of being alone cloaked and suffocated her like a cold, wet blanket. She was angry with herself for allowing another stranger to sail away with her heart. The princess felt shame, regret, and confusion at the loss of another sailor.

Telly, Sassy, Stella, and Betsy all helped the princess find her heart again. They told stories of new love and did the best they could to help the princess forget about the canoeist, knowing full well he was not the one meant to travel with the princess. Just when the princess thought her sailboat would go crashing into the rocky shore, one of her friends would help guide her straight. She was reminded of the course she had set out on at the beginning of her journey – her quest for happiness and love.

The princess learned that the canoeist was just a glimpse of the happiness that lay before her. He was a small pebble that added to her bubbling brook but not the force that made it run strong.

The Sea of Dreams still spread out before the princess and she smiled. And her friends, like the glow from the sun, encircled her as she continued on her way.

Recovering...

2006-06-21T12:32:00.000-07:00

It's been a couple of days... but I have an excuse. I just threw my mom a surprise party for her 50th birthday. It was a luau and we had family and friends in town from all over. It was amazing and everything I wanted it to be for her... and I am EXHAUSTED.

Plus, I have a sequel to "A Fairy Tale" in the works. I'm very excited.

Right now on the American Girl's dating plate:

1) the lawyer-to-be... such a cutie but he's moving to NYC in the fall for law school. This will be a fun summer fling.

2) a set up with my work husband's friend. You might remember me referring to a guy named Justin in some previous posts - a guy I work with and call my work husband. Not because we have a "thing" for each other (he's already married) but because he keeps me in line, keeps me motivated, and we share everything together, including lunch and weekend stories. I'm supposed to meet his friend at a casual get-together. I'm a little nervous.

3) the perfect guy for me - according to my best friend. She has been dying for me to be with her husband's best friend. Then, of course, the four of us can be best friends. Right. Perfect. We shall see. Oh, but he lives in California, so we are taking a road trip out the weekend before the Fourth of July to visit him. This will be interesting. A road trip date.

Hold on, 'cause this ride doesn't seem to be slowing down anytime soon.

WOW!

2006-06-09T12:47:00.000-07:00

MADONNA WAS AMAZING!

My favorite part: rollerskating dancers!

Back in the Saddle

2006-06-07T16:23:00.000-07:00

Lots of big updates. Grab a drink, sit back, relax, and enjoy the drama I like to call "My Life."

First thing's first.... Madonna is TOMORROW. I almost hyperventilate when I think about it. I like to get myself all in a tizzy and go to www.madonnalicious.com.

Second, I never really fully explained my issue with the Biker. I realized this after I told a friend briefly what happened and then referred her to my blog to get more updates. Afterwards, she encouraged me to be a more supportive and caring friend to the Biker and not worry about myself and our relationship so much. In a nutshell, quit being so selfish. I purposely left out some information on this blog because it's fairly embarrassing to me and, to be honest, quite a slap in the face. But now I'm going to tell all. I found out on the night of the Biker's brother's funeral that the Biker's ex-girlfriend was staying with the Biker. MY BOYFRIEND. In his apartment. In his bed. With him. So basically, I was cheated on. I told the Biker (and looking back now realize I SHOULDN'T have) that I understood he made a bad decision during this tramatic time and we could work things out. He has continued to shut me out of his life so I stopped trying. I have come to believe this: 1. he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend, and 2. he is a coward and every time he looks at me he'll think of what he did to me. So, as I stated in a previous email, I foolishly handed my heart to the wrong man. He didn't take care of it too well and I have shed too many tears for him so...

I have walked away.

And that's fine because did I have an outrageous time in Mexico! I don't even have any pictures as proof. That's how bad/good it was. What happens down in Mexico, stays in Mexico. Let's just say I drank a lot of beer... oh and in order to fit in with the crowd, we all pretended to be 24. Oh goodness... am at that time in my life already?

And this past weekend was one huge ego boost for me - phone numbers and glances exchanged, time out with the girls, and poolside fun in the Arizona sun.

After a month of heartbreak, I'd have to say I am mending just fine. I am keeping my head up, my eyes tearless, and my heart open to new and better things. I still miss my Biker occasionally, only to remind myself how much he hurt me, and then the "missing" is gone.

On the rollercoaster of life, I'm just past the low dip down and am on the rise again.

Countdown

2006-05-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

13 days.... until MADONNA!

6 days.... since I've heard from my Biker.

5 hours.... until we hit the road. MEXICO or BUST.

3 hours.... to freedom from this hellhole I call "work."

and as always... 30 seconds from a mental breakdown. Luckily, I keep putting that one off.

Back on Track... the Dixie Chicks CD Track, that is.

2006-05-23T16:20:00.000-07:00

So I sit here this morning drinking my coffee with coconut cream flavored creamer (yummy!) and am amazed at how I sway gently back and forth from desperation to exhilaration, and, of course, slide and drift through every emotion in between. I'm like a girl on a swing, being warmed by the sun during the "to" and chilled by the wind in her hair during the "fro." With each new song floating out from my cd player, a new emotion sweeps over me.

I have cried today... how in the heck can he love me so fiercely one moment and ignore me the next? It must not be real. It's time to let go and let him fly...

I have laughed... why in the heck do I need a man? I need a man like I need a hole in my head. My friend Rebecca and I have a woman-crush... c'mon, Madonna is hot stuff.

I've been irritated... that's a $50 hair straightener and I want it back, dammit. Whether you mail it to me or drop it off at my front door, it's MINE. And I WANT it, so give it up.

I am certainly hopeful... this wasn't the right one for me and there is love out there somewhere waiting for me. I believe in love.

I am SO excited... this weekend, the girls and I are heading to Rocky Point, Mexico for some good fun in the sun and naughty fun at night! You better believe I'll be hitching a ride on a sin wagon.

From time to time, I slip into hopelessness... because I had really strong feelings for my Biker and hoped it would last. He's managed to help me re-build my "all-men-are-bad-so-keep-out" wall because it's hard to find the courage to love again after being hurt.

And this is life... the life of this American Girl living back in Singletown... with her cat... in her one bedroom condo on Lonely Street.

Fragile

2006-05-22T18:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I got the apology I was looking for... oh and a text that says "I can't stop thinking about you and I want to see you."

Then.... nothing.

It's no wonder that one minute I'm okay, and the next minute I can't get up off my knees.

Still Interested?

2006-05-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

Below is a revised letter that I typically send out to my students when I need to know if they are still interested in taking a class. I have made it appropriate to my current situation... I'll let you know if I get a response.

HELLO!

You once expressed an interest in having a meaningful and long-lasting relationship with me by being my boyfriend for the last 2 1/2 months. I have been attempting to contact you but have been unsuccessful. I understand that continuing our relationship is a huge commitment and is something you don't want to get into if you cannot devote yourself whole-heartedly and perform the best you can. There may also be some conflicting circumstances in your life that make it difficult for you to dedicate yourself to being a successful boyfriend. However, I am here to help you through it and see to it that your goals are met! I can be as supportive as you need me to be and we can deal with the bumps and hurdles together.

If you are still interested I simply need you to click on:

Yes, I am interested... And I will contact you to discuss our options and possibilities, or

No, I am not interested.

I will be happy to address your questions regarding expectations, level of commitment, and true feelings. If you select yes, please provide the following information:

Best time to call
Type of relationship you'd like to have with me
Level of emotional stability
Apology for the way I have been treated thus far

Please remember, if you are not going to continue caring for me the way you once did, contact me by phone or email so that I can focus on other avenues and people in my life. This will help me be there for you, when you are ready.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

American Girl

Tragedy Strikes

2006-05-10T11:52:00.000-07:00

The events in the past week have been life altering. I can't even begin to describe how I am feeling right now. Leave it to a tragic accident to cause you to re-evaluate life and relationships and truly test you and the people around you.

My biker boyfriend and his brother are crotchrocket die hards - my boyfriend is responsible for all the repairs and upgrades to his brother's newly purchased dream bike. My boyfriend taught his younger brother to ride and his brother was following in the biker's footsteps by becoming a motorcycle mechanic. They were going to open a shop together - D-Bros Motorcycle Maintenance.

His brother was killed in a motorcycle accident Saturday night.

My biker watched the whole thing unfold, as he was in a car following his brother, on their way home from watching a basketball game. He was there for his brother's last breaths, for the doctor's devasting news that he could not be saved, and for the last kiss to his cold forehead before they wheeled him away.

Luckily, I was there to meet him at the hospital, stay with him through the night and the next day as the news was dispersed to friends and family, and into the next night when things really began to settle in. Now people have flown in from all over, including my biker's ex-girlfriend, who has taken precidence over my position as "crutch." Our relationship has taken a back seat to the unfortunate circumstances. I have to push aside any feelings of jealousy or neediness... and just be his rock when he turns to me for help. What tears me up inside, is that he doesn't seem to need or want my support. At least he knows it's here when he finally does come looking for it.

I mourn for the loss of a friend, for the loss of my boyfriend's brother, for the loss of my boyfriend's need for me at the moment, and cannot overcome this overwhelming feeling of helplessness. Please pray for us.

Rest In Peace
Dustin Michael Dennis
January 29, 1983 - May 6, 2006

41 days...

2006-04-28T12:51:00.000-07:00

until MADONNA. So. Excited.

I've been reading some posts on other blogs lately about "looking forward" to things. Or that period of time that comes after an exciting event, the "lull."

I enjoy reading Jax's posts because she seems to be able to live fully in the moment.

I wonder when I will reach that day. Then I remind myself to do it NOW. It's not like I'm suddenly going to get to a place in my life where I sigh and know "I'm here." Gotta think... "I'm here now. This is it. Make the most of it!"

Ashamed of Myself

2006-04-25T11:52:00.000-07:00

I am scum.

No, I am lower than scum. I am the bacteria that forms scum. I am germy and icky and deserve to be scrubbed away with the harshest bleachy scum cleaner available on the market.

You know that guy you work with that is so over-the-top friendly that it gets a little annoying? You hear him on the phone and you cringe at the squeaky, cheesiness of his voice? He energetically wishes you a good morning each day while you grimace into your coffee and reply through clenched teeth? You know, the jovial guy who is always cheerful and wouldn't hurt a fly, and has just the perfect touch of humor in all he says and feels such ease with people that he seems almost practiced or that he rehearsed his conversations that morning before leaving home?

Well I have been complaining about this guy since he started here. I have been, shall we say, not-so-nice to him. I have been irritated by the fact he has called in sick to work more times than he's actually shown up. I have made fun of his phone etiquette to a fellow co-worker.

Today, I found out he is being treated for liver cancer.

I am scum.

He is going to try to come to work this week. And then what? Do I suddenly become his friendly cubicle neighbor? Do I change my behavior because, let's face it, the man might be dying? Is it too late to change? Has he noticed my lack of interest in his weekend plans and will find me fake and pitiful when I ask him what he's been up to lately?

And to make things worse, I have an appointment for an ultrasound today to check for cancerous cells and cysts. I am probably healthy as a horse, and yet have been known to wish disease upon myself when I am at my lowest. He obviously cherishes life and makes the most of each moment.

I am scum.

If I could take on all he is going through in order for him to continue living his full and happy life, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Worth the Read

2006-04-19T16:55:00.000-07:00

Chapter 34 in John Steinbeck's novel East of Eden... it has everything to do with the story but you don't need to read it in context to feel the intensity. That's what I enjoyed most about Steinbeck's writing style - every now and again he would throw in some general thoughts or feelings about the world and life.

"A child may ask, 'What is the world's story about?' And a grown man or woman may wonder, 'What way will the world go? How does it end and, while we're at it, what's the story about?'

"I believe that there is one story in the world, and only one, that has frightened and inspired us, so that we live in a Pearl White serial of continuing thought and wonder. Humans are caught - in their lives, in their thoughts, in their hungers and ambitions, in their avarice and cruelty, and in their kindness and generosity too - in a net of good and evil. I think this is the only story we have and that it occurs on all levels of feeling and intelligence. Virtue and vice were warp and woof of our first consciousness, and they will be the fabric of our last, and this despite any changes we may impose on field and river and mountain, on economy and manners. There is no other story. A man, after he has brushed off the dust and chips of his life, will have left only the hard, clean questions: 'Was it good or was it evil? Have I done well - or ill?'

"Herodotus, in the Persian War, tells a story of how Croesus, the richest and most-favored king of his time, asked Solon the Athenian a leading question. He would not have asked it if he had not been worried about the answer. 'Who,' he asked, 'is the luckiest person in the world?' He must have been eaten with doubt and hungry for reassurance. Solon told him of three lucky people in the old times. And Croesus more than likely did not listen, so anxious was he about himself. And when Solon did not mention him, Croesus was forced to say, 'Do you not consider me lucky?'

"Solon did not hesitate in his answer. 'How can I tell?' he said. 'You aren't dead yet.'

"And this answer must have haunted Croesus dismally as his luck disappeared, and his wealth and his kingdom. And as he was being burned on a tall fire, he may have thought of it and perhaps wished he had not asked or not been answered.

"And in our time, when a man dies - if he has had wealth and influence and power and all the vestments that arouse envy, and after the living take stock of the dead man's property and his eminence and works and monuments - the question is still there: 'Was his life good or was it evil?' - which is another way of putting Croesus's question. Envies are gone, and the measuring stick is: 'Was he loved or was he hated? Is his death felt as a loss or does a kind of joy come of it?'

"I remember clearly the deaths of three men. One was the richest man of the century, who, having clawed his way to wealth through the souls and bodies of men, spent many years trying to buy back the love he had forfeited and by that process performed great service to the world and, perhaps, had much more than balanced the evils of his rise. I was on a ship when he died. The news was posted on the bulletin board, and nearly everyone received the news with pleasure. Several said, 'Thank God that son of a bitch is dead.'

"Then there was a man, smart as Satan, who, lacking some perception of human dignity and knowing all too well every aspect of human weakness and wickedness, used his special knowledge to warp men, to buy men, to bribe and threaten and seduce until he found himself in a position of great power. He clothed his motives in the names of virtue, and I have wondered whether he ever knew that no gift will ever buy back a man's love when you have removed his self-love. A bribed man can only hate his briber. When this man died the nation rang with praise and, just beneath, with gladness that he was dead.

"There was a third man, who perhaps made many errors in performance but whose effective life was devoted to making men brave and dignified and good in a time when they were poor and frightened and when ugly forces were loose in the world to utilize their fears. This man was hated by the few. When he died the people burst into tears in the streets and their minds wailed, 'What can we do now? How can we go on without him?'

"In uncertainty I am certain that underneath their topmost layers of frailty men want to be good and want to be loved. Indeed, most of their vices are attempted short cuts to love. When a man comes to die, no matter what his talents and influence and genius, if he dies unloved his life must be a failure to him and his dying a cold horror. It seems to me that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live that our death brings no pleasure to the world.

"We have only one story. All novels, all poetry, are built on the never-ending contest in ourselves of good and evil. And it occurs to me that evil must constantly respawn, while good, while virtue, is immortal. Vice has always a new fresh young face, while virtue is venerable as nothing else in the world is.

No Broken Bones!

2006-04-18T17:44:00.000-07:00

Sun Shiny Day

2006-04-13T16:34:00.000-07:00

Feeling MUCH better today. These details I am so worried about will be ironed out and everything will run smoothly again. Hey, tomorrow is a half day at work and there's a whole weekend ahead of me, it doesn't get much better than this.

And the big news.... there are 56 days until I get to see the person I have idolized since the age of 4, when I dressed as her for Halloween. Okay, so maybe it was when I was 24. Or both. SHHHH... whatever.

I'M GOING TO SEE MADONNA!

What other person have I adored in each decade of my life? Okay, besides my daddy. MADONNA!

Pre-teen years: Heck, I was a material girl who wished on her lucky star to be touched like a virgin for the very first time.

Teen years: My human nature was to express myself, come rain or rays of light, and was nothing but vogue.

And now: I have a confession, I'm hung up on Madonna and all of her music.

Bad Day

2006-04-11T17:48:00.000-07:00

It's days like today that remind me why I left him. Everything about my life feels like a compromise I made in his favor. I got tired of it. So I walked away. Now, when it comes to the nitty gritty details of the divorce, I am paying for it. Once again, he has succeeded in making me feel low, undeserving, and wrong.

Work? Wassat?

2006-04-06T14:33:00.000-07:00

Wow. I don't feel like doing much of anything today.

Wait. I take that back. I have accomplished so much! I finished today's crossword. Oh, and I helped compose a strongly worded letter to a friend's professor arguing for a higher grade. I've talked a lot about my weekend plans with friends and co-workers. I've managed to write down every class I will be teaching for the next two months in my calendar. My handbag is now clutter-free and I have managed to rid it of candy wrappers and odd receipts. Plus, I distributed "cool green apple" gum to my co-workers, all the while upholding a high standard of idle chit chat.

How can one not feel fulfilled with an array of activities like this scattered throughout the day?

Good God, I'm bored!!!

All I can think about is getting off of work tomorrow, swinging by my parents' house to pick up the toy hauler, and making a bee-line for the dunes. Big four-wheelin' trip ahead - I'll post pictures ASAP!

The Final Chapter

2006-03-30T10:53:00.000-08:00

I am this close to finishing the book I am reading. I've been reading it for a really. long. time. I've even had to restart it a couple of times. I could attribute my slow reading to the fact I am working 45 hours a week, plus teaching 4 - 5 group fitness classes a week, all the while finding time to spend with my boyfriend, friends, and family. I also choose to read my book when I am either 1. riding the bike at the gym, or 2. about to go to sleep. Let's be honest, neither one of those situations provide for easy reading, as one is causing heavy breathing, while the other quickly leads to deep breathing. I could also blame it on the content of the book, which, let's just say, doesn't keep the pages turning at a very fast pace.

But those are all pretty lame excuses.

I am not too picky when it comes to books. I love them all. I can find something good about most of them, and if not good, at least interesting or thought-provoking. I love sentences that don't really have anything to do with the storyline but make you stop, re-read it, wonder why it's there, and then admire the author for calling attention to such an idea and being eloquent enough to put the thought down in words. When I start a book, my life is consumed by it for the life of the book. So when I finish, it's like a part of my life dies. Those characters are no longer my neighbors, the setting is no longer my neighborhood.

And so I near the end of another book and face another "death," so to speak. And I contemplate the idea that I read so slowly because I don't want to give up that life quite yet. It's a paradox, you see, because getting to the ending will be so satisfying, yet so mournful. I will have to rush out to the bookstore to find another escape, much like a dog owner who has lost his life-long friend must rush to find a nearly identical replacement.

By the way, the book is East of Eden - a testament of good vs. evil.

Back the eff off!

2006-03-23T10:11:00.000-08:00

It crept up on me. I hardly even knew it was coming. Here I am, just waltzing through the days, spending time with my good friends, enjoying my boyfriend, succeeding at work, and it hits me.

A bad mood.

I think it began sometime yesterday at the end of the day crunch, with my work's 5:00 deadline fast approaching and all the appropriate paperwork still not appearing.

Then it really settled in when I had to make an obligatory stop at a friend's house for a Pampered Chef party. How many of these things do I have to go to? For the sake of everything holy, I cannot think of another kitchen utensil I could possibly need. Oh wait, maybe that apple corer thingy - considering I've eaten, oh I don't know, like 1/2 an apple in the past year. But in case I ever do get an uncontrollable craving for an apple, won't I be the lucky girl who can slice and core her apple in one easy step?

Then the last nail was hammered into the coffin of crankiness. I had to drive over to my boyfriend's house, have dinner with him, then drive home, yes drive home and not stay all snug and warm in his arms for the night, because I promised to meet a friend at the gym at 6:00 a.m. the next morning. This morning, my methodic bike pedaling was interrupted by a text from her saying "Sorry! Slept through my alarm. Maybe next time."

And voila. Here I sit, quietly in my cube, daring passers-by with a piercing glare to just try and approach me with anything heavier than a simple hello.

Happy Drinking-and-Using-an-Obscure-Irish-Holiday-as-an-Excuse Day!!!

2006-03-17T15:20:00.000-08:00

Freakishly Upbeat

2006-03-15T15:45:00.000-08:00

I have two new addictions...

The first began a little like this...

Me on Monday afternoon: "Man, I'm feeling so sleepy today!"
Co-Worker J: "Here, take these, they'll wake you up a bit."
Me: "Sure, I'll try anything at this point. I just don't want any coffee."

I swallow two pills, later to find out they are Thermadrene XP, a discontinued weightloss and appetite suppressant similar to (but are not) ephedra. Hmmm... a little scary because I'm not trying to lose weight or reduce my appetite. But the way they boosted my spirits... and shakiness, and heartbeat, and chattiness, and all around energy level. Man! I think I'm hooked. Not good! Took two more today. I am speaking about a mile a minute right now, not to mention making a crap-load of typos as I type this post.

Second addiction is... well, I'm sure you are all aware.... my boyfriend! He had the day off yesterday, and because I had a slight sore throat, I felt it necessary to call in sick and spend the day re-cooperating. With him. What's the best medicine for a sore throat? Apparently, it's going to a spring training game (Giants vs. Rangers - saw steroid-pumping Barry Bonds hit a homer), going out for a nice dinner, and then to a drive-in movie because, needless to say, I feel a helluva lot better today.

So I am hopped up on caffeine pills and love. What a combo!

Bitter, Party of One

2006-03-07T14:59:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm really not that bitter. Lucky for the world, I'm pretty damn happy. Unfortunately, there have been quite a few things really bustin' my chops lately.

Number one, I really thought I would be moving on and up in the world by getting a new job, but all the "wonderful" and "exciting" offers have slipped through my fingers. I have just submitted my resume for another editor position available within another branch of my company, so I here I sit waiting for another interview opportunity and yet another - don't say it! - disappointing outcome?

Number two, the night of my birthday party I handed over all responsibility of the tab to my friends and boyfriend. Yesterday, I discovered a handsome sum charged to my credit card from Suede that definitely should not be there as we handed the waitress a large wad of cash to cover the bill. It will be dealt with and everything will be straightened out but it's the hassle of it all that really chaps my hide.

Number three, I'm bummed because my new boyfriend, who I desperately and pathetically want to spend every waking moment with and am surprisingly able to hide these clingy impulses from, is going to Mexico for the weekend with "the boys," including brothers and father. It really is no place for little ol' me with all their four-wheeling and jet-skiing and belching and whatnot. But does that stop me from having the desire to throw myself at his feet and beg him to take me along so that if a beautiful and half-naked seniorita (or spring-breaker) happens to walk by I can be right there to shield his eyes and shake my bikini-clad ass in his face to distract from the temptation to ogle? NO. Like a good and sweet girlfriend, I will smile sweetly when he says good-bye, wish him an outrageously fun time, and give him the best sex of his life the night before he leaves.

Number four, I have used phrases such as "bustin' my chops," "chaps my hide," and "bummed," all within this post.

Now that's something to really ruffle my feathers.

Discouraged

2006-03-06T17:08:00.000-08:00

You know those days where you talk to so many ignorant or rude people you lose faith in the world and all of humanity?

I had one of those today.

Birthday Party Pics

2006-03-02T09:07:00.000-08:00

Some of my closest friends out for the big night!

Aren't they beautiful?

The lucky birthday girl

One of my best friends and co-workers - don't know what I would do without this woman!

Introducing... The Biker!!

Isn't he freakin' adorable??

Me and another best friend... we're dating brothers!! (Remember Plan C. from New Year's in Mexico? That's him in the background... he left for Korea the next day.)

Always gotta be the center of attention.

Dancing the night away... hey! Where's my tiara??

There it is! (That's my brother and his girlfriend in the background.)

It's my party, and... Just bring the goddamn drinks!

2006-02-27T17:03:00.000-08:00

So the birthday bash was a success! Pictures coming soon. Dinner and dancing at a swanky Scottsdale club called Suede. The only glitch was the restaurant manager coming over to my table a few times to talk about details on the tab. You have my freaking credit card and about 20 people wanting to give you money for drinks. Just bring the effing liquor already!

Okay, it was a minor, minor upset. I was a little frustrated for a whole 2.5 seconds. But my friends, and new boyfriend (aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!), saw to it that I needn't worry about those details. I just wore my tiara and danced my happy little heart out.

Highlight of the night (besides the dj announcing my birthday several times and the club erupting in cheers) was hearing the Biker introduce me as his girlfriend for the first time to a friend I hadn't met before. I calmly shook his hand, chitchatted a bit, then marched straight over to my dear, dear friend (the one who is dating the Biker's brother) to report the details. We then proceeded to jump and scream like high school girls who had just been chosen for the cheerleading squad.

PUH-THETIC. I know. With a capital P. But when you have a few drinks in you and birthday glee flowing through your veins, everything is 10 times as exciting as it would have been otherwise.

The Tale of the Everlasting Grin

2006-02-23T13:03:00.000-08:00

Apparently, two posts ago I could name 5 reasons why I shouldn't be in a relationship with the Biker.

Today, I can't think of one of them.

He's so sweet to me and makes me feel so damn good. The perma-smile on my face is proof enough how confident I am in my decision.

Or it could be the thought of the white chicken chili simmering in the crock pot, awaiting the arrival of me and my closest friends for girls' night, then out to watch one of our favorite cover bands, Punk Rock Nation.

Maybe it's the idea that for the first time in a long time, I don't dread the array of upcoming events because I know that no matter what I choose, I will have a great time.

Or it could be that my birthday celebration is a mere two days away.

What a weekend!

Could this be real?

2006-02-22T11:10:00.000-08:00

We were snuggling in bed, drunk off beer (and love), still high from our night rocking out to our favorite 80s hairband cover, Metalhead.

"I want to see you tomorrow," the biker whispered.

"It is tomorrow." I answered. Why am I a smartass at such a sweet moment?

"Come over for dinner. I want to talk to you about something."

"Can you tell me now?"

"No. You have to come over."

Oh God, I thought. I'll wonder all day what in the heck he needs to tell me and with my wild imagination by 8:00 that night I'll have completely convinced myself that his real name is Orton, he's married with four children and is moving back to Arkansas to be with them.

Either that, or he is pregnant.

So the evening comes... We eat, sit in the hot tub, chat with his brother, and I swear to God, every unnecessary thing you can possibly do in one evening. Finally, we are sitting on the couch, vaguely watching a movie between kisses and he says "Do you want to know what I wanted to talk to you about?"

Good God, are you kidding me?

Kiss. "Yes." Kiss.

"I want to be with you." Kiss. "Only you." Kiss.

I, smiling uncontrollably between kisses, cannot even speak.

He pulls his head back... "So? Do you want to be with me?"

I throw my arms around him. Little does he know, that along with my arms and body, I am throwing my heart and hopes into his hands.

100 reasons to complain but still happy

2006-02-16T08:38:00.000-08:00

Happy Belated Valentine's Day. I have put so much hope into and have held such high expectations for this day in the past. This year... nope. Don't really care. And for once, someone put effort into it and took me out to dinner... AND brought me a dozen roses. The biker is good at making me smile. However, I found a flaw. He lied to me this past weekend. Said he had to work but really didn't. I'm sure it's because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. He wanted to go out, I wanted to stay in, hoping to do so with him. Staying in with him is fun, if you know what I mean. But alas, I got the call... "Sorry, I have to work late."

A friend did some accidental snooping and found out that this was not the case.

Oh god... getting information that you just would rather not have is heartbreaking. And what am I supposed to do about it? I can't call him out on his lie and put my friend on the spot, along with her man-of-the-moment. (She is dating the biker's brother). So I jokingly accused him of ditching me on Saturday and going out. He swore up and down that he didn't. Maybe my friend got her information wrong. Maybe he's lying, maybe he's not. I don't know. But honestly, I really don't care. I really like the biker, but I can name 5 reasons why I shouldn't be in a long term relationship with him and that's reason enough for me not to rest all my hopes on him. He's fun... and will just have to work a little harder at impressing me because right now I've got a bad taste in my mouth.

So the new job didn't pan out either. I wasn't hired on as the new editor. Oh well. I am up for a salary increase at the end of this month and I can continue to take classes towards my MBA.

I am feeling a lack of creativeness lately. I am just writing updates and I want to write something that's worth reading. I'll work on that. Today. Stay tuned...

Update

2006-02-03T10:22:00.000-08:00

Career, check. Got called back for the second interview. I was one of four who was asked back to be questioned by the "panel" of editors who would be my co-workers. I had that huge adrenaline rush afterwards where I felt like everything went splendidly. We shall see... I find out next week. It's gonna be a loooong weekend, that's for damn sure.

Health, double check. I feel good. My muscles are still a little achy from my last workout (is it sick and wrong that I love that feeling?). My classes are going well and I've gathered quite a following of regulars.

Lovelife, check, check and triple check. Co-worker likes me, we've been spending quality time together. I think it could go further if I end up switching jobs. Oh, wait. Except for the fact that I have really strong feelings for the biker. He is amazing! We are going snowboarding on Sunday. I think this will be a day of all days... meaning it could really strengthen the relationship and things could really start rolling with us. Hmmm.. but then there's the man who seems to be so perfect for me, but is miles away and not mine to have. I still vividly remember the feeling I had waking up in his arms.

Careful now...

2006-01-29T15:53:00.000-08:00

Playing "Limbo" was one of my favorite games as a kid. I was fairly small and could maneuver pretty easily under the limbo stick as it dropped inch by inch closer to the gound. It was exciting and nerve-racking, but wasn't I the competive little monster! I loved being one of the last few - dancing around, smiling at my friends who had misjudged the height and bumped the limbo stick, gently contorting my body into something resembling a pancake in order to slide obstacle-free under the stick. One thing about this game though.. there was always a conclusion.. there was always a winner at the game of "Limbo."

Here I sit 15 years later, in a state of limbo - and I'm waiting for the conclusion. Will there even BE a winner? Will I be the winner? And why the heck does there have to be a winner?

I know why.

Because if things go the way they have been for the past year, I will feel like the loser.

I am in limbo over the job situation - still waiting to hear from the magazine in California with their offer. Also, I have yet to hear from the internal position I interviewed for last week. But do I really want to switch jobs again? I am making good money now and heading for a big raise. As exciting as moving back to California would be, is it good for me right now?

I am in limbo over, just take a wild guess... MEN. I have been dating the biker and he is wonderful! I was holding everything back at first, taking it slow, playing a little hard to get. I went to a family function with him and had a great time. I enjoyed his friends and family immensely. Now is when fear sets in... just when I am falling for him... BAM! He is suddenly going to decide he doesn't like me. I know it!! At least that is what Plan B. and the HCD have taught me. Thank you, gentlemen. And now, may you both please go straight to hell? You have jaded me.

As for the co-worker... like I said before, I do not want another Plan B. incident. I have learned from my mistake that dating a co-worker is about as good of an idea as sticking your head face first into a crocodile pit while holding a mackerel in your teeth. If I get the promotion, that won't be a problem. Because, you see, he wants to date me. I'm not just a cool girl to chill with, apparently. I am a cool girl to chill with that he wants to kiss.

After all this, I want to reiterate the fact that I am unbelievably happy right now. I am in a good state of limbo, I promise. I just get a little nervous when the music gets a little faster... and that little stick gets a little lower... and it gets to be my turn to maneuver into something that can eek by under the limbo stick without knocking it over.

What Goes Up, Must Come Down

2006-01-25T11:12:00.000-08:00

But not all the way down. All the flurry of activity that the month started with has slowed down to a steady pace. I'm feeling like I'm coming back to earth mentally and physically.

I have been feeling a little sick the past 24 hours... little bit of a soar throat, a little achy, but still hangin' in there. I'm here at work... I like to use my sick days for more important things, for cryin' out loud, like spur of the moment road trips or day drinking or for a day when I have a particularly large zit.

I interviewed for the internal position as an editor but I have yet to hear back. There will be a second interview next week, IF I get called for a second interview. I haven't heard back from the Cali job either. What a tease... but I guess all good things come with time.

My partner-in-crime for the finance and accounting class is moving away tomorrow. We have had an unreal past couple of weeks and now it's coming to an end. Life is funny. It's amazing the people that come into your life... how sometimes they stay... and sometimes they go.

Speaking of people coming and going... there is a guy I have been working with for almost a year now and he's just now starting to pay some extra attention to me. I don't exactly know what his intentions are, I just know that he is inviting me out a lot lately. I'm trying not to let this turn into another Plan B. incident. I am very, very skeptical and will keep you updated as his attention to me grows or fades.

The Maid of Honor

2006-01-19T17:11:00.000-08:00

When It Rains, It Monsoons... at least here in AZ

2006-01-18T14:57:00.000-08:00

What a week... let me tell you. I was in my best friend's wedding this weekend. Happily being at the bride's beck and call, giving a speech, posing for photos, partying with friends and family - I'd jump to the chance any weekend to perform these duties just to see the smile on my best friend's face.

In other news... I ended up turning down the job at Arizona's newspaper. It was part time and salary was pretty much equal to a complimentary subscription. It could have possibly led me to some outstanding opportunities in journalism... possibly. It could have possibly led me to bankruptcy as well. Also, other opportunities were presented to me, all within 24 hours of the job offer. I took that as a sign - maybe I shouldn't be jumping on this opportunity...

I was offered the job at the newspaper last Wednesday. Come Thursday morning, I had an email in my inbox about a promotion opportunity within my company to an editor position. PERFECT! So I submitted my resume. It's a good thing I acted so quickly even with the offer to become a news assistant only about 15 hours old, because I just got the call for the interview to take place on Monday. Hmmm... stay with the same company I already work for doing what I've always wanted to do... could God smile down on me anymore than he already has?

Yes, He can.

After checking my email Thursday morning, I listened to my messages. Low and behold, there's a voicemail from an old co-worker calling from the magazine I used to work for in California. Whom do they desperately want to come back and work for them in any way that suits her fancy? Moi!

Cue The OC theme song - "California... here we come."

But wait. I have been dating the Biker for over two weeks now. Will that stop me from moving to California if the magazine job seems better than the editor position? Absolutely not, but it's something to think about. Biker is good and kind. And frankly, I like being treated like gold right now. It's hard to come by.

Keep smiling on me, God!

Better By the Minute

2006-01-11T12:11:00.000-08:00

Life is perking up these days...

Fantastic things are happening this week. A friendship has grown between a classmate and me - he's moving away soon but he's sure to be a friend for life. I won't let him slip away. I went on a date with a new guy - the biker. (He's a motorcycle mechanic.) AND! I was offered a job at the local newspaper, the Arizona Republic.

I have been taking a finance and accounting class for the past several weeks and the only thing getting me through is the thought that I will see one of the greatest guys I have met in a long time. He makes me laugh (he just sent me an IM this very second claiming he is the smartest man alive and I giggled), he reminds me why I am special, he's smart and driven, and is just an all-around great guy. (Almost as great as you, Brandon.) If I could have him all to myself, I would take that position in a heartbeat. But, *sigh* he's not available and that's the way the ball bounces... I'll just have to wait and see if it ever comes into my court. In the mean time, I love talking and sharing things with him.

I went on a date Friday and then again on Monday with the biker. He is sweet and considerate. He's very cute, very complimentary, and seems like he would be a very loving significant other. I'm taking it slow and feel good about how things are developing thus far. Updates, of course, will be posted.

I just found out a couple hours ago that I have been offered the position as news assistant at Arizona's major newspaper. This is the job I've been waiting for since I graduated with my journalism degree in 2001. There's one problem - it's a LOT less money. But, just like my new friend has told me, I can't help but think of the possibilities it will provide me with and the valuable experience I will gain from it.

Like I mentioned before, I have a feeling 2006 is going to be a great year.

Security Blanket

2006-01-06T15:19:00.000-08:00

When I was a baby, my parents had a green flowered blanket covering their waterbed. Some days, my mom would lay me in the center of the bed between the two of them. One of my favorite photos of all time is a shot my mom took looking down at my dad and me laying on the bed. I'm maybe 12 or 13 months old, looking up at my father with the biggest smile and brightest eyes. He has a scruffy beard, as if he hasn't had a chance to shave in a few days, and is grinning down at me. Our eyes are locked. I see this picture and instantly feel safe, that life is going to be okay. We are laying on the very same green flowered blanket that I snuggle under to this very day.

As I reflect over the last year, I think about what I have given up and what I have gained. At times, I think of the future and I am high as a kite, soaring over gloomy clouds, seeing only blue skies and basking in the sunshine. Other times, I can't pick my soggy ass up off the ground and the rain seems like an endless drizzle, soaking me to the very core, threatening my very will to continue living.

I have suffered through a lot of crap, some of it by choice, some of it just happened to be the way the cards were dealt. I have also been lucky enough to have some wonderful things happen to me. At the times I feel down, I can't help but blame myself for the choices I've made.

Luckily, I have good friends and a wonderful family who remind me why I made my choices. I also have my green blanket. It's large and worn down to the perfect softness, just thick enough to keep me warm but not stifle me. On bad days, like yesterday when the world seemed to be reminding me with every passing minute that I am alone right now, I wrap it around me and collapse on the couch.

I inhale its sweet scent, think of my picture, snuggle in and instantly feel safe. That life is going to be okay.

One more pic...

2006-01-06T14:00:00.000-08:00

a New Year's celebration like none other... Brett, me and Clint. Brett, incidently, has become a great friend of mine. He was always fun to be around, and I know he's one of Clint's best friends, but as it turns out, he is a good friend to me as well.

Oh, and what a Happy New Year it was!

2006-01-02T20:00:00.000-08:00

I had so much fun with Plan C. I can't believe I thought for a moment that I might not go to Mexico. I've come back to good ol' AZ with a little sun, some outrageous stories and fun photos to remember it all.

Silly boys.

Fun in the sun.. nice hat.

Plan C. planting a big wet one on me.

Right on Cue

2005-12-29T10:15:00.000-08:00

You know those moments where, at the time, you have no clue what to say or the words just don't come out right? And about 2 hours later you think "Dammit! I should have said..... "

Well, I had the exact opposite kind of moment. I was able to say everything I wanted to say. And in a pretty tactful way, I might add. I'm very proud of myself.

I was leaving the HCD's house and said "HCD" (well, not really HCD, I said his name, although that would have been pretty funny and definitely called for). Anyway, it went like this:

Me: "HCD, I'm leaving. I mean for good. I'm saying goodbye to you."
Him: silence
Me: "Even with your warnings, I fooled myself into believing that whatever we have right now could develop into some sort of relationship, that we have something special, and that you truly care about me."
Him: silence
Me: "But you don't even want to spend New Years with me. I think you are a jackass for inviting me snowboarding and then uninviting me."
Him: silence
Me: "So I am going to Mexico with someone who has insisted on spending time with me and looks forward to seeing me."
Him: silence
Me: "Good luck with everything. Take care. "

And as I walked out the door, I squeaked out a "Happy New Year." I was able to hide any signs of emotional breakdown until I was in my car. Five minutes later, I had a text message from him. "I do care about you. Be safe and have a good time. Maybe I can explain myself sometime. I'm sorry you're hurt."

For some reason, that makes it much easier for me to walk away. I don't want an explanation, HCD. I want your heart. Something you're not willing to give.

Decisions, Decisions...

2005-12-28T12:21:00.000-08:00

Well... I guess I don't really have a decision to make anymore. Here WERE my choices for the New Years weekend:

#1 - Go snowboarding with the HCD (I really, really love to snowboard and I like spending time with the HCD.)

or

#2 - Go to Mexico with Plan C., my army boy (Mexico is always fun, but camping on the beach? Let's just say I'm more of a "mint-on-the-pillow" kind of girl, but hey, I'm up for an adventure and I absolutely LOVE spending time with Plan C.)

Choice #1 got swept away with any hopes of anything ever resembling a relationship developing between me and the HCD. The closest we've come recently... out to dinner and then to the airport to pick up some of my friends. That might have been a little too relationship-y for him (we picked up another couple as a couple, for Pete's sake *gasp*) because I was booted from the snowboarding trip, which has evidently become a guys' trip. Well, that's what I call "bullshit." You know what the kicker is? I gave him his Christmas present... he LOVED it. I. Got. Nothing.

Choice #2 - which I ultimately have been thinking of doing - is the winner! Not just by default, mind you. I've been telling myself for the past two weeks that it's the better choice. Plan C. will always be in my life. If he wasn't being shipped out to Korea next month, he would probably be my boyfriend. I hold myself back from having strong feelings for him (and wasting them on people like the HCD) because I know that I can't have him... at least right now... and probably not for a few years.

But I don't want to think about that right now! I am going to have a blast in Mexico, and more importantly, I'm sharing a special time with a special person, who requested (in fact begged) for me to join him and be a part of this trip.

I can't say that for the HCD. I can't say much about him, really. *sigh*

Bad Habits to think about for the New Year...

2005-12-21T10:16:00.000-08:00

I've been tagged by Jax...

My 5 bad habits include:

1. This is really gross but... picking at my face. :( I know you do it too!!!

2. Falling for losers and letting them take advantage of me.

3. I probably drink too much. Okay, yes, I do.

4. Chewing on my lips.

5. Stalking ex's on Myspace... it's only hurting me.

Wow. I just shared WAY more than I planned on.

Who will I tag that hasn't already been tagged??

Miss Parker!

Brandon, have you been tagged?? We know you're close to perfect but c'mon! Give us the goods! Or in this case, the bads...

Okay, I'm tagging the girls who I know are readers but aren't bloggers, just post an anonymous comment. Misty, Donna, Denae...

Creepy Coincidence or Prank from the Powers That Be

2005-12-20T14:44:00.000-08:00

Last night, I dreamt I had a baby. Today, at the gag-gift exchange, I received a baby bottle gift set.

I sit here a little uneasy.

Can't Get Situated

2005-12-14T12:39:00.000-08:00

Last night, I tossed and turned in bed. No thanks to a midnight text from the HCD asking me to come over. How depressing. When I didn't respond, he felt the need to call. After a 30 second conversation, he was well aware of my intentions to stay cozy in my bed.

Then I couldn't fall back asleep.

To the displeasure of my cat, I tried every sleeping position known to man. On my left side facing the window, cat behind knees. Nope. On my back, one arm over head, staring at ceiling, cat between my knees. Uh-uh. Right side, legs split, cuddling pillow, cat nestled between stomach and pillow. Yikes. Stomach, one arm up, one arm down, cat on backs of legs. Not gonna work. Endlessly rotate these positions with slight variations and there, in a nutshell, you have my night. It didn't help that the thought running through my head was "Gotta get to sleep! Have to teach the 5:45 a.m. aerobics class."

I finally drifted into a restless sleep in the fetal position, cat MIA. She probably got so fed up with the hurricane of movement, she chose the floor over her usual spot of prominence in the comfy human bed.

What confuses me is that Tuesday had been a great day, so why the need for a restless night? My roommate made an excellent dinner so I had food in my stomach. My kickboxing class went well and I got a great workout, plus, and this is a HUGE plus, I found out that Plan B. is quitting and I never have to see his face again after January 15. What more could a girl ask for?

I guess it was a prelimary unsettling... I found out this morning that Plan B. is engaged to the girl who took my place. What a shock to the system, let me tell you. I am cold, unfeeling, unable to process this information. Does not compute. So he is out of my life for good, forever. And he's marrying a girl who follows the girl who got the line "I'm not ready for a relationship."

My restless night resembles my life - unable to find a comfortable position, tossing and turning, trying out the same positions and still not finding them comfortable. I had the marriage and the white picket fence dream. I traded it in for the life of a single girl. I lived the life of a party girl (okay, okay, I still kind of do). Now I am starting to feel uncomfortable in this position and looking for the fitting position of the relationship girl with a slight variation.

I am constantly swapping positions in life, looking for just the right fit, and it doesn't help that the thought running through my head is "Gotta find happiness. Have to know love."

Dating a Local Celebrity?... I wish!

2005-12-11T21:50:00.000-08:00

Chuck and me... he's a local dj who totally hit on me! (Heather being nutty in the background.)

Me, Ash, & Heather, a dj from a radio station here in Arizona.

Where would we be without good friends?

2005-12-08T16:27:00.000-08:00

I had a breakdown in the breakroom today.

Luckily, I had someone to collect my tears and stir them into a reality elixir to remind me that I'm crying unnecessarily.

My good friend and co-worker walked with me to get coffee this morning. As I pulled my Coffeemate out of the refrigerator, the tears flowed freely. It was a good thing I had her fur-lined jacket to bury my face in as I cried on her shoulder. As she hugged me, I felt a 30-second sweep of hopelessness wash over me and I wished myself small enough to hide in the pink soft tufts of her collar. But her words calmed me, reminded me that I made the right decision, even though some days I feel so alone it hurts down to the bone.

It's the idea that I left a man who truly enjoyed spending time with me... enjoyed my company and doing things for me... he enjoyed me. It kills me. I walked away. Now I get hurt every day.

I'm not crying anymore but it's been a rough day.

Taking the Next Step...

2005-12-06T16:14:00.000-08:00

I'll start with a fun little story about what happened this weekend... in a nutshell, I got hit on by a popular DJ that has a morning show here in Arizona. A lot of my friends and I listen to the show every morning. I've seen him out once before so when I saw him Saturday night, I knew who he was instantly. But when he came over to ask me if I was drinking a Grey Goose martini (which indeed I was) I played dumb. After introductions, flirty remarks, explanations on our presence at the bar, it "dawned" on me... "Oh, you're Chuck of 'The Morning Ritual with Chuck and Vince'? Wow." The night wasn't complete without my souvenir photo - coming soon to a blog near you.

And now for a guilty confession.

I did it. I bought a Christmas present for HCD.

I know, I know. It's a little presumptuous, but we've been having good talks lately and spending a lot of time together. He asked me to go snowboarding with him for New Years. And it's not that personal or expensive of a gift - just a watch case for his one million and one watches. Engraved with his initials. What do you think? Stupid? Thoughtful? The watches just lay there on his dresser... and they're expensive watches. They deserve a leather case with a velvet lining... even though he may not.

*gulp*

Maybe I've made a mistake. Oh well. Too late now. As the warning "Engraved gifts are non-refundable" eerily flashed before my eyes, I clicked the "Process Order" button.

A little Christmas humor...

2005-12-02T14:34:00.000-08:00

Love = Me + ????

2005-12-02T13:34:00.000-08:00

Assets = Liabilities + Owner's Equity... I have Balance Sheet data and equations jumbling around in my head from the finance and accounting class I am taking for the MBA program. Assets are what we own, Liabilities are what we owe, and Owner's Equity... well let's just say stocks and the like. If things get calculated correctly, all will balance out in the end.

It's so nice when that happens...

Ah, balance. So easy to achieve on paper, so hard to find in life. I feel like I'm always working on the equation of love. Love = All Our Faults + All Our Attributes... or Love = Dedication + Self Reliance... or Love = What We Have to Offer + What We can Become. Maybe Love = Sexual Favors + Paying the Bills... I dunno. All I know is I am constantly adding, deleting, selling out, trading, or buying bullshit in order to find the balance.

It's a good thing my love life is not a business or I would go bankrupt.

Everything Happens for a Reason... right?

2005-11-29T14:30:00.000-08:00

Email is down at work today.

I cannot email clients, friends, family, no one. It's a little inconvenient but only as bothersome as a fly buzzing about my cubicle. The most important consequence to me is that I cannot receive any emails.

HCD and I had the most interesting conversation last night which began with me calling it quits and ended with him in a huff. I wondered what his email would say to me the next day. Today. When email is not an option.

So I am studying for my current class (I'm working towards my MBA) in my down time. Not answering silly emails from a silly boy. It's a blessing that he cannot contact me. I cannot hear from him, break down to him, give in to him.

God and the IT department are looking out for me and sending me a message. Or in this case, the absence of a message.

Crazy with the Camera

2005-11-22T19:40:00.000-08:00

When you're DD and tired of the manhunt, you get a little crazy with the camera.

Out with the girls, Ashsuire & Erin

Me & Erin

Hit me with your best shot.

Me & Erin

Ladies-in-Waiting

2005-11-18T15:05:00.000-08:00

Okay, so the boy from Cycle Three has yet to call. It's 4:00 on Friday and I am dying to see Walk the Line tonight. I was hoping to see it with him, as that was a main topic of conversation on our first date. What's worse is that I have a friend I can see the movie with in lieu of Cycle Three boy but, alas, she too is waiting for a possible date to call.

So as I sit here, a lady-in-waiting (not only for her own gentleman caller but her friend's as well) and you sit there reading this choking back the well-deserved "pathetic girl" comments, I ponder the idea of becoming a lady-who-goes-to-the-movies-alone. I know, I know. It's a common situation. But I am an "alone-movie-goer" virgin. And going to a movie that is destined to be highly attended, I'm a little nervous about using it as my, shall we say, flower taker? cherry popper? You get the idea.

But what does attending a movie alone lead to? In my mind, I see a future of eating tuna straight from the can and multiplying the number of cats I own by 15. I know lots of people who attend movies by themselves. You may even be one of them. They seem very normal (keyword: seem). I have to remind myself, "Hey, 1) you don't even like tuna and 2) the reason you adopted your cat is she terrorized the other cats in the shelter and you felt bad for her." So just by attending a movie alone, you will not turn into a tuna-eating cat lady. I guess I feel like a part of me is giving up on finding a special someone by going to a movie by myself.

Silly, I know. But for now, I will remain a lady-in-waiting.

Ending the Cycle

2005-11-16T14:10:00.000-08:00

Cycle One

boy pursues girl
girl intrigued by boy (and all his falsities) and spends time with him
boy too intense too soon, relationship evolves too quickly
girl flattered by intensity
girl mistakes emotional and relationship problems of boy as true feelings for her
boy leaves girl abrubtly, claiming "not ready to be in a relationship" as excuse
girl feels at fault

Cycle Two (six months later)

see Cycle One (unfortunate, but true... HCD is probably a goner, just like Plan B.)

Cycle Three

girl meets boy at bar after intense eye contact
girl and boy dance
boy calls girl the next day
girl invites boy over for dinner
boy eats dinner and leaves after receiving goodbye hug
girl waits for boy to call for second date

This was Monday... hopefully he'll call soon and we can have that second date. *satisfied sigh* It feels good to do things right.

On the Bright Side

2005-11-09T22:11:00.000-08:00

Well, Brandon really got me thinking with his latest comment. I need to look on the brighter side of things, because in reality, I have so much to be happy about. Tomorrow, my military man arrives and I'll get to spend some time with him before he gets stationed in Korea for who knows how long. I have no guilt about seeing him because HCD (Hopeful Candidate D.) pulled the "I'm not ready for a relationship" line, which is truly a blessing. Now I owe him nothing and feel no obligation to him.

My group fitness classes are going well - participants are really enjoying themselves. I get positive feedback everyday. I have to remind myself that I'm lucky to have a job where I get paid to exercise and I am able to keep my clients satisfied. I'm also lucky in my other job - advising students on college course enrollment. People are so appreciative for what I do even though it's my job. Hey, people, I'm getting paid to be so helpful!

I just threw a really nice bridal shower for my best friend. I had mixed feelings about getting involved in her wedding because I am going through a divorce myself. I don't have the fondest view of marriage at the moment. But now we are at the point of showers and bachelorette parties and I can see her excitement. I know she is happy, and that makes me happy.

I will end on a not-so-bright note, to Brandon's dismay. But this is something that happened today and it really made me think. I passed by a gas station near Plan B.'s house that we used to frequent and it reminded me of one of the most intimate moments of my life. (Please refrain from laughing when I say one of the most intimate moments of my life happened in a gas station parking lot.)

I almost cried when the memory came rushing back to me. I had just shifted my car into park when Plan B. had reached over, put his palm to my cheek and said "You are amazing. I can't believe I'm with you." I smiled shyly. "You have no idea how big we're going to be. You don't even care that I'm in a band." He was right. "I just care that you have passion for something. I like you for you, band or no band," I confessed to him.

"That's why I like you so much," he said and kissed me.

Now, would I rather have the memory of that moment or no moment at all? Some days the pain seems worth it, on other days I wish I could erase him altogether.

Guide to Misery... Part 2

2005-11-09T09:49:00.000-08:00

Guide to Misery Part 1
(Please disregard the Florida comment. This was before all the hurricane action and a person I despise was visiting Florida at the time of the post. Needless to say, no fence was installed and he returned safely, dammit.)

5. Jump into a relationship full speed ahead. Just dive right in and throw caution to the wind. All your emotions will be exposed and crying into your pillow at night will become as routine as brushing your teeth.

6. Wear clothing that fits snugly. It will remind you that you're not as thin as you used to be and cause you to fidget throughout the day. You will look uncomfortable and distressed. Clothing must be unflattering so as not to boost your spirits.

7. Divide your attention among too many people and activities. Schedule yourself for more than one event on a particular night so that when the time comes for one event, you remember that you have a previous engagement. Trying to juggle too many social and work activities or plans with friends will force the cancellation of certain events, causing distaste and tension between you and your loved ones.

8. Make promises to yourself like "I will not respond to him because he doesn't treat me like I deserve to be treated" or "I will spend time at home tonight catching up on household chores" and don't honor them. Guilt is the ultimate fuel for misery.

Good luck and happy grieving.

A cheesy poem about boys

2005-11-08T16:55:00.000-08:00

Sometimes boys are stupid,
they make me want to hurl.
The latest one keeps me guessing,
I wonder which one of us is actually the girl.

"I'm not ready for a relationship," he states,
for what reason I have no clue.
Which is quickly followed by a message,
"Please come over, I just want to hold you."

My heart is racing,
Tears come to my eyes.
I find myself pacing,
All because of stupid guys!

I've been given some great advice,
"The right one will come along."
But my heart is tired of waiting,
It's ready to love someone strong.

"I'm worthy of great love,"
I tell myself over and over again.
I will not let myself go easy,
Just to be used by men.

The end... for now.

Good Times on Halloween

2005-11-06T18:07:00.000-08:00

Dominatrix, Goddess, and Riding Hood, oh my.

The URT Photos 2 & 3

2005-11-06T17:20:00.000-08:00

Even the doughboy likes to enjoy a brewski every now and again. Even on his "must lose weight" crusade.

Me & Donna having margaritas in Mexico. Aaahhh.. it doesn't get much better than this... except for maybe some hottie cabana boys fanning us with giant palm tree leaves...

Caution: Extremely Fragile

2005-11-04T11:26:00.000-08:00

I've got to keep myself organized or it's all going to come tumbling down around me. Work got me stressed? Bills? Home maintenance? No... none of the above. I must keep my men in order.

My number one priority is HCD. Yes, I heard from him last night and he is coming home from Vegas a day early - today instead of tomorrow.

"I think dinner and relaxing with you sounds good for tomorrow night," he told me after stating that he missed me. Wow. He's got me wrapped around his finger... but he must not know that. I will not put all my eggs in one basket. He's got issues, ex-girlfriend heartbreak, emotional problems. We could possibly work as a couple. And I really, really want that. But I will not tear down my brick wall yet. It's still shoulder high, quite an accomplishment.

Hence, me giving my phone number to a new guy last night when I was out having a drink with a friend. HCJ is tall, handsome, a chef, made me laugh considerably, and seemed like a perfectly good egg. He politely asked for my number, wished me a pleasant evening, and kissed me on the cheek. I did answer a call from HCD while we were chatting... a move to look slightly unavailable? Maybe. More to just have the opportunity to say hello to my #1.

Then there's HCC, who I fondly refer to as Flakey Flakerson. This guy is always unavailable, yet manages to call and text just often enough to keep him on the list. We were supposed to get a drink and play some pool Wednesday night but someone had work issues, or had to go to the gym, or had to make it an early night, or had a truck problem... I really don't remember, and really don't care. We have plans tentatively scheduled for next week... AKA never.

There there's my military HCC... who really isn't a Hopeful Candidate, but more like a Boyfriend that Could Never Be. I keep him in my life in hopes that maybe some day, far far away, when he is done serving his time, he will come back to me and sweep me off to our ranch in the country with the white picket fence, 3 kids, and horses galloping in the distance. He is coming to visit next weekend. Our last conversation still plays in the back of my mind... "I think of you all the time," he said, "and I can't wait to see you."

Sigh.. but then I met HCD. Here's where the earth and sky could crumble around me. If HCD wants us to be exclusive, I will. In a heartbeat. I will not see my military man. But I certainly cannot suggest this exclusivity. I also cannot mention the fact I will be seeing a man I have dated on and off for a significant portion of the past year. That's pressure, not to mention a little threatening. I also do not owe HCD anything... we are just dating. Free to see other people, right? But military man has been... shall we say, stranded in the desert for awhile?... looking for a little refreshment?

Ugh! I'm getting tired of juggling these glass eggs! I just want to put all of them in their satin-lined basket now. But I did that before with Plan B. and each beautiful, fragile egg exploded in my face. I told him about military man wanting to see me but me wanting to be exclusive with Plan B. I denied military man. And where did it leave me? Heartbroken because Plan B. eventually began a relationship with someone else (after claiming he didn't want to be in a relationship) and I lost precious time with my military man.

I guess I will just keep on a-jugglin' until someone offers a safe enough basket for my precious eggs.

I don't wanna play!

2005-11-03T12:06:00.000-08:00

"So have you talked to him yet?"

My co-worker greeted me this morning with the very cloud that had been looming over me for the past day and a half.

"No, I haven't heard from him," I said as a slumped down into my chair, thankful for the height of my cubicle walls so they can block out any rays of sunshine that might have penetrated through my cloud.

"You should text him." Justin is always eager to give dating advice, he's my "guy's-point-of-view" go-to man.

"But I initiated contact last time!" I said, sounding more like myself fifteen years ago when I thought it was my brother's turn to take out the trash.

Here's the story: HCD left for Las Vegas yesterday. I saw him Halloween night after I spent most of the evening ooohing and aaahing over children's costumes - little Darth Vader and Yoda were my favorite. He invited me over, I stayed the night, yada yada yada. The next morning as we walked to our cars to head off to work, I wished him a happy journey to the land of illicit behavior. He said, "I don't leave until tomorrow. I'll call you later."

Oh, wonderful! I'll get to hear from him before he leaves. I left for work with a smile on my face and warmth on my lips from his goodbye kiss. As day turned to evening and evening to night, the smile faded and my lips felt as though I'd just used them to put a hickey on an Eskimo's butt.

Nothing. Not one word, text or the like, came from my HCD.

Yesterday morning I decided to send a little email, just to let him know I was thinking of him. It looked exactly like this:

have a nice trip

Nothing more, nothing less. His response? "Thanks. I'll talk to you later..."

LIAR. So Justin thinks I should send a text asking how the trip is going. Rebecca thinks I should just sit back and wait for him to make next contact. And what do I think??

I don't wanna play this game. *Cue Stomping of Foot Here*

Why me?

2005-10-27T14:12:00.000-07:00

Is there a tattoo on my forehead that says "emotionally-challenged men only"??

Okay, so I can breathe easy because I'm pretty sure HCD likes me... but is it for the right reasons? That is the question. He seems to be having difficulty getting over his ex-girlfriend. Ugh. What did I get myself into? I warned him... I don't mind helping him move forward and being as supportive as I can but I also want to know that he is actually making the effort to move forward. I will not play the "she's not like (fill in the blank here) but she'll do for now" game. We keep reminding each other, "IT HAS BEEN ONE WEEK." Are the expectations we have for each other a little over the top?

I think tonight needs to be a "spend some time alone" night. I'm starting to smell his sheets on my skin.

The URT Photo 1

2005-10-26T15:17:00.000-07:00

Donna and I took a small plane ride over the Grand Canyon... it was amazing! And in the middle of all its glory and splendor, I managed to doze off. I blame the cold medicine. Or the lulling voice of the recorded tour guide telling me everything I never needed to know about one of the Seven Wonders of the World.

Finally!

2005-10-26T15:09:00.000-07:00

Making the Grand Canyon aware of the plight of the DWG

I like him, I really like him.

2005-10-21T15:31:00.000-07:00

I've decided that my "Plans" have now become "Hopeful Candidates." So Plan D. is now HCD. He is my next hopeful candidate for the "boyfriend" position, which has gone unfilled for a considerable amount of time.

The date was a success. He was sweet and polite - a sight for sore eyes for a girl who has been trapped in a blazing hell full of Scottsdale-frat boy-cocky-just-want-to-bend-you-over-a-chair-and-lose-your-number devils, with no sight of a tall, handsome cool drink of water to ease the pain. We talked a little, drank a little, listened to the band a little, and he got to show me off to a few of his friends - whom I'm hoping gave me two thumbs up when he asked them for a review. I was dropped off in front of my house, given a gentle and affectionate hug, and wished sweet dreams. The next morning I was giddy. The kool-aid smile painted on my face grew even bigger when he texted me "Hey Doll :)."

We made plans to watch a movie that night. I went over to his house and managed to feel guilty and extremely pleased at the same time when we went a bit further then necessary on a second date. Sweet and perfect.

Now the panic sets in. What if he's like all the rest? He got what he wants and now he's done. It never truly bothered me in the past because I never truly cared for the guy. But now it's different. I like him. I want to be his girlfriend. My stomach is eternally spinning with a million butterflies spiraling out of control.

Now I just have to sit back, relax, and let nature take its course. Right.

Passion

2005-10-18T17:35:00.000-07:00

After every conversation we have, I hang up the phone with a sigh. It was like that when we were together and it's continued to be so - which is, in a way, a relief to me. I know I made the right decision. The very thought of conversing with him depresses me. Maybe because even his voice is as uneventful and melancholy as his life story. Sure, he's a steady, dependable man who would take care of me for the rest of my left. My doldrumish, methodic life. But is that really what I want when I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself?

I've figured out what attracts me to a man... or should I say this in another way. I've figured out what I'm NOT attracted to - and it's not what you think - a man with no passion. I need passion. Sure, passion for "me" is a plus, but I love a man who's passionate about something, anything. His work, a hobby, an interest. I think that's what attracted me to Plan B. so much. He's passionate about music. For Plan C., it's life in general. He's just a happy guy with great stories and interesting things to say.

Sure, my ex was easy-going but there's a point where you become so easy-going that you might as well be dead. I like when a guy gets fired up about something.

So I've discovered a new "plan" - but as suggested by the DWG, I need to stop referring to prospective men as plans. What shall we call this possible relationship? Until I think of something suiting, I'm sticking with "Plan."

Introducing Plan D. - 26 years old, entrepreneur, pursued me (or rather, saw my picture and emailed me), is interested in getting to know me. He seems funny, driven, successful, and a lot of fun. I look forward to going on a date with him... wow, a date. Something I haven't been on in awhile. A real date. With a guy with passion for his business.

I'm officially attracted.

A Poem

2005-10-14T15:40:00.000-07:00

A commenter named Alyce wrote this poem in reponse to the latest blog entry on "This Fish Needs a Bicycle." I felt it summed up my general mood these past few months. Kudos to Alyce.

tonight i am pining
for someone i hardly know
someone who is not mine,
someone i had for a brief time.
my melancholia is only tempered
by the knowledge that what i had
was wonderful in its own way,
albeit incomplete.

If you get a chance, read the the lastest post on "This Fish Needs a Bicycle." Especially if you're single. It really hits home on the fact that just because your alone, you're not necessarily lonely. But also that you may be lonely for someone in particular.

Mental Preparation

2005-10-12T16:01:00.000-07:00

Sorry about my delay in posting fun pictures from the URT (Ultimate Road Trip) but I've had a hard time setting aside time to upload the pictures to my home computer.... blah blah blah. This is boring shit.

I got a text message from Plan C. the other day. I'm not sure if I mentioned our last interaction or not. It's so pathetically unmentionable that I probably didn't bother to include the details. He pretty much blew me off when he was here visiting for the weekend at the beginning of August. Then he shipped out to Oklahoma for more army training and then he'll head overseas. Or outerspace. I'll probably never see him again. Who cares.

Unfortunately, I do, because when I got the text message from him a week ago, my heart skipped a beat. The last text message came from him a couple days after he left in August saying "Sorry I didn't call you the last few days I was there. Hopefully we can stay in touch." My response: my address plus these words "Please send my book." You see, he borrowed my favorite book and has yet to return it. My first thought was "Oh well, I'll just go buy a new one." Which was immediately followed by "Why should I have to fork out the cash to go buy a new book when he is perfectly capable of mailing mine?" My favorite book is faded and creased with love and the pages are perfectly worn. I've highlighted all my favorite lines and dog-eared my favorite pages. It's irreplaceable. But I digress....

The latest text message from Plan C. said this: "Hey, is there any bad blood between us because I'm coming to visit in November and I want to see you. I promise to bring your book!" Well what in the heck am I suppose to say to that? Ignore it? Have a wittingly snappish reply? I chose to be sweet. "No bad blood. It will be good to see you."

I can see the fucked-up stormcloud of his visit already.

I see a tree-lined path with the sun shining brightly and a gentle breeze beckoning me to walk down the peaceful road that could be my future. And where am I turning? Down the dark path with "Danger" and "Turn Back NOW" signs posted on each side, lightning bolts striking down, threatening my very life, and wind whipping about as if to pick me up and cast me down into the seventh circle of hell.

I'm doing everything in my mental power to prepare myself for this weekend. Now listen up Brain and Emotions, you won't get much attention, and you'll probably end up feeling really used because all he'll want is a ride from the airport, or better yet, a romp in the hay. Just get your book and RUN. RUN for your life and don't look back. You have a tendency to go weak for this man because he's handsome and fun to be with and he has a way of making you feel beautiful and desired. Don't fall into the trap! Close yourself off! Build up that brick wall! You are so unavailable you're pathetic!

I think I'm ready for the Dark Side.

Nightmares

2005-10-04T16:46:00.000-07:00

I watched Medium last night. I was enthralled throughout the entire episode, loved it, but Allison's nightmares inspired nightmares of my own.

I have finally seen pictures of Plan B.'s new girlfriend - good because now I see what (and I say what on purpose) he'd rather be with, bad because now my brain can place her face in my dreams. I tossed and turned all night, floating in and out of visions where I felt trapped and helpless, with nowhere to turn and with no one who understood me. I was an emotional wreck throughout each scenario, breaking down into tears, viciously screaming, extremely angry and immensely sad all at the same time. In my dreams, just as in Allison's, Plan B., his girlfriend, and any other onlookers peered down on me, shaking their heads pitifully, and seemed to think my behavior was completely uncalled for and quite absurd. I know that in dreams, emotions can seem magnified 1,000% and the slightest twist of events can seem like the end of the world. It seems that more and more frequently, life can feel the same way.

I have been in more incidents than I care to count in just the past few months where I have that same feeling of being trapped and overwhelmed with emotion, and no one, not one person, can see where I coming from and the reason for my behavior. Of course, my emotions aren't played out as fully as they are in my dreams, thankfully, but my mind swirls in the same way. "Doesn't anybody see where I am coming from here?" "Doesn't anybody get it?" But I know that they don't and probably won't ever. This is when I choose to walk away, close my mouth, and just feel calm and quiet within myself, and realize that it just doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Luckily, this is when I can open my eyes and wake myself up from the nightmare.

Where do you fit in?

2005-09-28T16:55:00.000-07:00

I got to the gym about 30 minutes early last night, and not wanting to look like the over-eager aerobics instructor who arrives too early for her class but preferring to look like the instructor who's just so busy being "fitness queen" that she always looks hurried, I jumped on the treadmill for a quick run.

I love the gym where I teach because the cardio equipment is on the top floor, which wraps around the inner perimeter of the building and looks over the rest of the facility, providing for an optimal people-watching opportunity. Being in the heart of Scottsdale, this gym is filled with ASU frat boys & sorority girls, twentysomething professionals, and a select group of individuals who consider themselves "elite" because they live in the best part of the East Valley. There were so many stereotypes met within these walls, I began labeling everyone into their appropriate "type" to entertain myself during my jogging.

I seem to do this frequently and it reminded me of when I worked at ASU's golf course as a beer cart girl. I began dividing golfers (basically men) into 4 categories - and might I be so bold as to say these categories could be used universally, not only for golfers, and all people could be labeled as one of these. Maybe a person fits into one category in a certain situation and another in a completely different situation. Or they may be a combination. Nevertheless, by the time I left the golf course, I was able to label what "type" of person a golfer was within seconds.

Type 1) The avoider. The avoider does exactly that - avoids eye contact, any and all communication, and makes a deliberate effort to dodge the refreshment car at all costs. Even if it means driving their golf cart across the green, nevermind the tire tracks they left around the pin for the group following them. Geez, it's not like I'm going to force feed you a Heineken and then scavenge your pockets for money.

Type 2) The socially healthy dude (and most women seem to fit in this category). This guy knows how to handle himself. "No thanks, don't need anything right now," said with a nice little wave as he carefully drives by my cart. Or "Sure, can I get a Snickers and a Diet Coke, please?" and offers me a five dollar bill and tells me to keep the change. Simple, easy, no big deal.

Type 3) The never-ever satisfied dude. I never have what this guys wants, and anything I can offer as a substitution just isn't gonna cut it.
Him: What kind of beer do you have?
Me: Bud, Bud Lite, Coors, Coors Lite, MGD, Miller Lite, Heineken, Amstel Lite, and Corona
Him: Do you have Sam Adams?
Me: No, I'm sorry, we don't.
Him: *huge sigh* Well, what kind of liquor do you have?
Me: I have vodka, Bailey's, dark and light rum, Jack Daniels, and gin.
Him: Do you have Crown Royal?
Me: No, I'm sorry.
Him: *even bigger sigh plus rolling of eyes* Well, I guess I'll just have a Jack & Coke. How
much is it?
Me: $5.50 please.
Him: WHAT??!! God, that better be a damn good Jack & Coke.
Imagine this conversation and substitute in anything that never-ever satisfied dude could possibly never-ever be satisfied with - sandwiches, candy bars, or chips - whatever.

Type 4) (and my personal favorite) The over-eager dude. This guy has definitely NOT been out of the house in awhile. Apparently, his wife let him off his leash this month and he is like a giant kid in a candy store. Golf AND beer?? Whoa. It's almost too much for him to handle. "Can I get 12 Bud Lites aaahh make it 18 and we're gonna need more ice in our coolers do you have shots of whiskey we'll take four of them I need a bag of pretzels I'm starving oh you have sandwiches! can I have a turkey sandwich awesome! here's my card just put it all on the card." And breathe, buddy. I like you, though, you've got gusto.... lust for life... or you're slightly insane, whatever.

It makes you second-guess your behavior at the golf course, doesn't it?

Ah, the memories...

2005-09-24T11:32:00.000-07:00

I went to see an awesome movie last night - teenage anger, parents who don't understand, emotional outbursts, crushes, rich kids v. poor kids, cheesy lines, and the ultimate climax.... the skate off. Wow. I was in 7th Grade Heaven. Roll Bounce took me back to the days of being 12 years old and the most important thing to me was how in the heck was I going to get to the roller rink that night. I lived in my SP205s. I long for the innocent days of pink wheels, my precious sticker-laden skate case, and couple skates.

NOW life A.B.

2005-09-22T15:16:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I thought I should begin Life A.B. (After Boys). Then I put my new lifestyle decision on hold because of the road trip. Because, c'mon, what's an "Ultimate Roadtrip" without the random hook-up? Then it dawned on me today that I have fallen into Life A.B. without even trying or realizing it. For the first time in a long time, I have no dating prospects, no one pursuing me, and no one that I am pursuing.

First, I blame this on my financial situation. Broke. Broke. Broke. And working for free. Okay, maybe not for free. I've even agreed to work overtime this weekend for some extra cash. I do not have the money to go out like I used to and ya know what? I'm okay with that. That leads me to my next excuse - I really don't feel like hanging out with guys right now. Wow. I never thought I'd find myself thinking that. Hold on, I need a moment. Yes, the sex-a-holic said she needs a break.

I am happy catching up on all the new TV shows - Prison Break is my new favorite. I am happy, okay more like relieved, that I don't have plans for Friday night. I am ecstatic about laying out in the sun this weekend and planting some new flowers in my pots.

Oh, and of course, I'm most comfortable with a blanket on the couch, snuggling with my cat, and drinking a glass of milk.... with ice in it. And Bailey's.

In My Alternaworld...

2005-09-19T23:25:00.000-07:00

...While I was in San Diego, the gorgeous son of the advisor to the US Ambassador to Italy approached me in a bar, swept me off to his penthouse apartment overlooking Mission Bay where he seduced me with candles and hundred dollar bills. The next morning, he had breakfast delivered to our room after erotically, yet gently, waking me from peaceful slumber. Then he took me down to the beach where he taught me how to surf and we spent the afternoon stealing longing glances and kisses while stradling our surfboards and being tossed about by the ocean's lulling current.

...I returned to work after my renewing and relaxing vacation to the offer of a promotion - a corporate liaison position in New York City. I just need to pack my bags and decide if I want the 2 bedroom with loft apartment in Midtown Manhattan, or the 3 bedroom with view of Central Park on the Upper Westside. Oh, and if I want my new business cards to include both my home and office fax numbers.

...Plan B., noticing how refreshed and happy I looked, asked if I am still angry with him. I responded with a bright smile and a twinkle in my eye, "Always." He pleaded with me about being friends again and explained that he misses spending time with me and just can't live a moment longer unless I let him back into my life in some way. I shook my head sadly and said I just couldn't do it, he had hurt me too much. Plus, I am leaving for New York City soon and look forward to escaping the daily torment of working in the same room as him. "Goodbye Plan B. And good riddance."

I think I'll be staying in my Alternaworld for quite some time.

And so I return...

2005-09-14T16:16:00.000-07:00

...tired, sick, and broke. But it was well worth it. Pictures coming soon... with an interesting little twist. I incorporated the "Ultimate Road Trip" with a "Weightloss Crusade for the DWG." You'll see. It's rather entertaining.

Donna is here for two more days. So what's there left to do? REST. We are both sunburned, ailing in some unique way, and trying to remember what we actually did for the past week.

"Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride!"

2005-09-02T15:36:00.000-07:00

Nobody's gonna slow me down.
Oh no! I got to keep on moving.
Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride,
I'm running and I won't touch ground.
Oh no! I got to keep on moving.

This is my theme song for the weekend. I've had a rough week, but you know what? I'm not gonna let it slow me down.

What THEY are trying to do to break my stride:

Today, I found out that people just getting hired at my place of employment are going to have a starting salary higher than the salary I've made after my review increase. Nice. It's a good thing I'm not damn near broke or then I'd be really upset.

I got the deepest papercut in the history of papercuts (right under my middle finger nail) because I was trying to dust off my desk. Can I peel an orange for anyone?

I've been coughing for about two weeks now, finally went to the doctor, got a prescription for a cough suppressant that still isn't working, and now I have a sinus headache. That's okay though, 'cause I'm planning on drinking away the pain once Donna gets here. Cough syrup and vodka diet cokes have the same ingredients anyway, right?

So there! I'm stickin' it to "the man." Nothing out there is going to stop me from fully enjoying this three-day weekend and the start of what I so fondly refer to as "The Ultimate Road Trip." But just in case, tonight has become "staying-in-to-keep-my-sanity night."

5 Days to Go

2005-08-31T23:27:00.000-07:00

Forgive my rough drawing, but for your viewing pleasure, here is the map of the long awaited road trip, pink highlighted trail and all.

The plan is to start in Phoenix, head north to Flagstaff to escape 100 degree heat for a day or two, and stop by the Grand Canyon for a quick glance before cruising to Las Vegas. Dehydrated and broke, we will go south to San Diego to work on increasing our chances of skin cancer, then trudge through the desert for our recovery/detoxification period in Rocky Point, Mexico. Because, of course, Dos Equis is known for its healing properties.

Silver Lining

2005-08-29T16:51:00.000-07:00

So as I hear Plan B. talking to his girlfriend on the phone in his cubicle, and try to control my over-active gag reflex, it dawns on me that my options are dwindling. My dating options, I mean. I knew long ago that Plan B. and I would never come to be. Was it his lack of desire to be intimate with me at the end of the relationship? Was it the fact he continued to use me for carpooling and other such purposes, even when we had stopped being a couple? Whatever the obvious, kick-me-in-the-face reason it was, it doesn't matter. What's done, is done, and I'm trying to seek new options. Options that at one time seemed endless. Now? Well, let's just say that God has not opened any windows for me in the house of available and attractive men.

We've all heard the Plan L. story... 22, crazy hottie party guy, good for sex but not boyfriend material. He's my toy that I get to take out and play with occasionally, which I would like to turn into a hobby or maybe even an addiction, but it's not looking good.

Plan M., whom I've nicknamed HTG (Hottie Taken Guy), is fun to flirt with, gives me great advice, and if I could clone, would date his exact replica in a heartbeat. But alas, someone has snagged him.

And a new plan entered the picture this weekend. He's too young for me but is desperate for a girl (and actually prefers older girls) he can treat to fun evenings out. Unfortunately, I felt zero attraction to this boy. And the fact he's called/text messaged me more times than an obsessive compulsive washes their hands makes him even less attractive.

*sigh*

The only silver lining to my cloudy love life is that the only way to do a road trip right is to do it single.

Why they say we only use 10% of our brains...

2005-08-27T16:35:00.000-07:00

What's On My Mind This Second:

1. How are the Mets ranked right now? I lived in NYC for awhile and had to choose a team to root for, and being the devout Diamondbacks fan that I am, it was definitely NOT going to be for the damn Yankees. Now that I'm back in AZ, who has time to pay attention to the Mets?

2. Solving the whole world hunger issue... gosh, still working on that one...

3. Can someone file for bankruptcy because of the expense of a road trip? That pink highlighter really put me over my limit. Yikes.

4. The zit growing in the crease between my nostril and my upper lip area. Ouch. And why there, seriously? Haven't you had a good enough laugh at my expense already, God?

5. It would be nice to be my cat. Sleep all day, eat whenever I want, get doted on by a sweet-talking, high-pitched, annoying but affectionate human AND everyone who enters the house. Sweet.

6. What song will I sing at karaoke tonight? I don't know why I am even thinking about that. It's always "I Feel Lucky" by Mary Chapin Carpenter. Always.

7. Was it really necessary for me to leave work early yesterday because I "didn't feel good" and go get a massage? Psht. Can't think of anything more necessary.

8. If I could be anywhere else on earth other than right here, where would I be? Rules: No one else can be moved there with me. For example, if I want a certain person to be with me, than I just have to join them where they are, they cannot meet up with me in my desired location. Also, I cannot choose a different time, like 1985. It has to be in 2005, today, to be exact. And the answer? I have no clue. And that will fill the rest of my mind for the next few moments....

What's on your mind?

9 Days and Counting...

2005-08-25T23:19:00.000-07:00

So I have nine days until Donna gets here from Ireland... lots to do, lots to do! First thing's first, get a map and a bright pink highlighter, and plan out our route for the road trip. It would really help if I knew exactly where I was going, and God forbid I depend on Mapquest to get me anywhere. Last time I did that, I ended up driving up and down a dirt road desperately looking for "1349 E. Deadman's Curve," only to find "1351 E. Dead American Girl's Curve," and praying that a crazy old man wouldn't jump out from behind a cactus with his 12-gauge shotgun threatening to end my days as a road warrior... but that's a whole 'nother story.

Second, schedule my bronzing appointment at the spa. Yes, I am going to have "fake tan" rubbed into my skin before I leave for Vegas and the beaches of San Diego, where I will don one of the 5 bathing suits I am bringing to achieve a real tan out in the real sun. I type it, I think "ridiculous," but am I going to do it anyway? You betcha... both the bronzing and the packing of 5 bathing suits.

Lastly, and most importantly, find out where I put my Pat Benetar cd. How on earth am I going to be a successful road warrior without Pat???

By the way, my road warrior name is Oatie Saddlebag. Ask Miss Parker how to get your very own road warrior name.

What I did last night

2005-08-23T15:31:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting here pondering the meaning of life and all its complications and intricacies when it hits me.... that scene in Forty Year Old Virgin where he talks about making the egg salad sandwich is hysterical.

What's a girl to do?

2005-08-22T15:18:00.000-07:00

Saturday night was quite fun... danced my little heart out, didn't spend a dime, all in all a great time. Ran into Plan J. Yuck. He NEVER went out when we were talking. If he did, he didn't invite me or if I invited him out, he never wanted to join me. Remember, I was very much involved in the BCC at that point. I got to do the whole "oh hi!" routine and be wisked away by my friends. Did I have time to chat? Hell no! I've got places to be and a space on the dance floor anxiously awaiting for me to shake my groove-thang.

Remember that guy I went on a few dates with - perfect looking, perfect manners, and has a job?? And of course, I didn't feel a spark with him... lucky me. Well, I ran into him AGAIN Saturday night. That makes our random meetings times thrice. Is this a sign? Should I try hanging out with him one more time just to make sure we don't belong together? Should I call him? Or wait for him to call me? What do I do?? (Guys, your input here is vital.) If he's into me and wants to see me again, shouldn't he call me? We chatted a bit Saturday night and he asked me to join him for an after party. I admitted to him that I didn't have his phone number anymore... (I had recently held a cell phone funeral for him). Then he gave me his number again. However, I realized at this point he had a girl with him at the club. A date? A new girlfriend? Hmmm... I called about an hour later but to no avail. He texted the next day saying he ran into a bit of drama but wants to hang out soon. Should I just wait or should I call? A curious mind wants to know...

Saturdays..

2005-08-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

Taught my aerobics class, house cleaning is done, cat sitting in the window... just getting ready for a fun night out at Myst. Just a typical Saturday. Except for the whole "going to Myst" part. Back when I was 19 or 20, I was very much a part of the "Scottsdale" scene - swanky clubs, dark lounges... I had a great fake ID. You never caught me home on a Friday or Saturday night, make that Wednesday or Thursday night either. My boyfriend lived out of state, I was in college, it was the time of my life.

Then I got married, moved to California, and began to settle down into a domestic lifestyle. It was... comfortable? I was... uh... happy? Sure. Then I left my husband (who happened to be my high school sweetheart and only real relationship I've ever really had) and made my way to New York City. Had the time of my life there. Really started to go for my dreams. Then my mom got sick and I moved back here. She's better now. And I'm still here. But I've got a great job, started working on my MBA, and met some great people.

It's a very strange time in my life. I feel like I'm in limbo... not sure what I'm doing or where I'm going next. Which brings me back to going out to Myst tonight. I feel as though I'm back in my college days, hitting up the Scottsdale scene.... but this time around I have to watch out for the boys. 'Cause so far, they're trampling over me.

P.S. Did I seriously write "hella crazy" in my last post? Ah, jeez. That's what happens when I hang out with 22-year-olds...

The Countdown Begins...

2005-08-18T20:39:00.000-07:00

Fifteen days until the HUGE roadtrip with my Irish friend. We are mostly excited for Vegas but the whole trip is going to be amazing. I haven't partied with Donna in over a year so we're gonna get hella crazy.

Donna and me on my last night in NYC :(

A little update on Plan L...

I sent out a mass text to all the friends I like to party with saying "Hey ya'll. Feel like dancing?" Plan L. responds with "Tonight might not be a good night, but I'll keep you posted. Don't worry, we'll play again real soon. Do you want me to call you if I'm available before 12? :)"

Hmmm... Wow. I've officially been re-inducted into the BCC (Booty Call Club). I think his ego is as big and shiny as his belt buckle... and he's only 22. Watch out for this guy in 10 years.

Rated R (for REALLY typical but good nonetheless)

2005-08-17T14:12:00.000-07:00

Scene:
Dos Gringos bar in Scottsdale, Arizona; two seats at the bar filled by a guy and a girl, slightly facing each other to encourage the brushing of knees whenever possible; food, drinks, laughter and overly flirtatious gestures

Characters:
American Girl - strawberry blonde, green-eyed, blue tank top, jeans, scarf around the waist, lots of hair-flipping and lip gloss touch-ups, legs crossed towards guy, Corona Light in hand, half of a chicken burrito left on her plate, perpetually smiling after hearing "you've got a great smile"

Plan L. - spiky hair with blonde chunky highlights, blue eyes, jeans, striped shirt tucked in, belt with large shiny buckle, pooka shell necklace, typical yellow Lance Armstrong bracelet (think "metrosexual"), lots of gentle hand placements on girl's knee (except for attempt to prove girl is ticklish by squeezing right above the knee in the sweet spot, which effectively elicits laughter, head toss, and grabbing of his hand by girl), legs open towards girl, empty beer, empty plate

And ACTION:
American Girl: blah, blah, blah, small talk, small talk, small talk, Let's do a shot!
Plan L.: quotes from favorite movies, blah blah blah, joke joke joke, Okay!
American Girl: I think those girls over there are watching us.
Plan L.: Then they can watch us do this....

*Lean in for kiss HERE*

45 seconds pass...

Plan L.: Wanna go back to your place and watch a movie? (Translation: I want to sleep with you.)
American Girl: Okay. (Translation: There's probably not much hope for a relationship here so why the heck not? Plus, that was a damn good kiss.)

And CUT.

It was a great night with Plan L. No disappointments there. At all. Two things I did find out though - he's 22 (3 whole years younger than me) and translation from the weird text message, it's a line from Pootie Tang...??? I don't even know if I am correctly spelling the name of a movie I have never heard of before last night.

Pay Day

2005-08-15T17:15:00.000-07:00

Okay, so after getting my check direct deposited into my checking account and paying my bills online today, I have exactly $2.60 cash for the next 2 weeks. Woo-hoo! Stand back. I'm living the life now.

On a brighter note, Plan L. called to tell me he is back in town and wants me "to come out and play." I'm pretty sure Plan L. is a year or two younger than me and is bringing in no or little cash - and I really am NOT that kind of girl, how much money a guy makes is NOT an issue for me - unless I am completely broke. And that, I am. My theory: If he is making a decent amount of money, he won't think twice about saying "It's on me. If you even reach for your purse, I will come over to that side of the table, smother you with the last of the cheesecake, and suck every last..." begin x-rated scene here. However, if he isn't making much (and this is what I completely expect to do on every date) we will split the bill.

Hmmm...solution? "Can we play at your house, Plan L.? Oh, do you have any wine?" But this leads us down a dangerous path. I am trying not to sleep with guys so quickly. We should probably keep the first few playdates out in public, right? With little or no alcohol? But wait. Do I really see a potential relationship between me and lil' Joe Cool? He'll probably just end up being my playmate for the time being so why not get crazy? (American Girl conscience: "But you don't want to be a member of the BCC again do you?") What else am I looking at with a 22 year old guy than an instant satisfaction-guaranteed membership into the Booty Call Club (BCC)? Oh the dilemma!

Food for Thought:
Plan L. texted me this: "Baby, I'm gonna sign your pity all over the runny kine!"

TRANSLATION PLEASE??!!

PUKE

2005-08-12T13:35:00.000-07:00

I am an aerobics instructor. Besides my full time job, fitness and teaching are my life. I have been teaching for about 7 years now, all different types of formats - kickbox, step, sculpting, pilates, aqua, etc. You name it, I've taught it. Except cycling. Cycling kicks my ass and I can't imagine teaching it. Everyone I come in contact with and knows I am a fitness professional, asks my opinion on everything from dieting and nutrition information to exercise routines to tennis shoe preference. I really don't mind. If I know the answers or have some good recommendations, I will give them. If not, I refer them to their nearest personal trainer or doctor. But generally, I like to be known as the health and fitness consultant.

The point of me telling you this is that EVERY DAY that Plan B. and I dated, he asked me my opinion on his diet and exercise regime. He would ask me to go grocery shopping with him so that he would select healthy foods and asked if he could join me in my workouts because I could get him in free at the gym. He swore up and down that he wanted to be healthier and was desperate for my help. But when we were at the grocery store, he would buy the bad stuff because he really wanted it or he really isn't fat so why can't he eat it? Whatever, I gave my suggestions, take 'em or leave 'em. I'm not the commander, I was just helping as I was asked to do. I also found myself being stood up at the gym because someone never showed up to work out when they so needed to start lifting weights and getting more exercise. *sigh* You can only lead a horse to water...

I found myself on the verge of vomiting the other day because I overheard Plan B. talking about his new gym membership. According to rumor, he pays to go to a gym and stand around. I don't know why this causes me to go into dry heaves - maybe because I couldn't even get him to accompany me to a gym for free.

Oh, and on a little side note... the last time that Plan B. and I really hung out/carpooled, we made a stop at the grocery store. For some reason, he had a bug up his butt about getting some good salmon to grill that night and... oh, what should I make with salmon?... and what's a good salad dressing?... and do you think these croutons will taste good?... and while we were waiting in line to check out... will you run back to produce and grab me a lemon? I wondered why he was so concerned about having a perfect dinner. And then I wondered if I might be invited to join him for dinner. And then I came to my senses and realized... this dinner was for HER. And I had become the grocery shopping and dinner date consultant. PUKE